Trying to Throw my Arms Around the World

Apologies

Apologies

“An apology, I guess,” Lou said. “If that’s not too much to ask.”

“An apology for what exactly?”

“For going off on me like that this morning.” Were she and Vic in on this together? Were they playing a really twisted joke on me? Whatever was going on, I was missing the most important piece of the puzzle.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, babe. I hope I didn’t hurt your feelings,” I said, the sneer in my voice so sharp it even surprised me. “I hope it didn’t ruin your lovely day at work.” Lou sighed and stared ahead.

“I’ll go get us a drink,” she said. “We’ll need it if we have to stay here until you stop being impossible.” My initial dread was quickly transforming into rage. Why was this on me now? What did I do except voice some concerns? I watched Lou as she stood at the bar, her jaw set firmly, her shoulders hunched, as if her body needed protection. I would have said I was sorry – even if I didn’t know what for – if I knew it could make everything better, if it could take us back a few days, preventing me from ever spotting that dull flicker of boredom in her eyes. But I fully realised I wasn’t the issue in this tiny drama, this ridiculous but excruciating tiff. I looked at Lou and I knew. I knew that I loved her but I also knew something had changed – it wasn’t me. Lou returned with another bottle of wine and a cold suffocating sensation took hold of my chest. Ripples of fear sliced through me, fear of this moment becoming the turning point of our affair, of our relationship being altered forever – beyond repair. 

“If you’re going to make me spell it out for you, then please allow me,” I said. “I’m not a fool, Lou. Something’s going on. And I’m pretty sure it involves Claire.”

“Here we go again.” She shook her head and bunched her lips into a dismissive pucker. “Maybe time has played tricks on your memory, Lee. But I’m the trustworthy party in this relationship.” I felt the onset of tears sting behind my eyes, tentatively at first, until one drop burst out. I quickly wiped it away.

“I’m beginning to understand why you’re not a fan of relationships. You really suck at them.”

“Listen to me, Lee.” She grabbed my hand and squeezed my fingers hard. “There’s absolutely nothing going on between Claire and me.” The anger flashing in her eyes subsided a bit and she let her grip on my fingers mellow. “I promise you.”

“Then what is the matter with you? And don’t offend me by saying it’s all in my head.”

“It’s nothing, babe.” I pulled my hand away and tucked it safely under my thigh. “I’m not claiming I’ve been the perfect girlfriend lately, far from it. I was a bitch last night–“

“And just now.”

“Yes, and now. I’m sorry. Sometimes I’m difficult. I know.” Frustration tugged at the corners of her mouth, an inability to find words for the turmoil inside. 

“What can I do to make it better?”

“Nothing. Just love me.”

“Done,” I said and kissed the bridge of her nose. If it’s not Claire, I thought, then who is it?

“Will you accept my apology?” she whispered in my ear. “And come home with me?”

“Of course,” I said, unable to resist and eager to let this fresh wave of longing wash over me, rinse away my doubts – despite knowing better.

To be continued…