Trying to Throw my Arms Around the World

Knowing me, knowing you

Knowing me, knowing you

I needed to know why she did it, after having sworn to me repeatedly that she would never, ever go there with Lou. I needed to look her in the face and hear her say it. And, most of all, I needed to free myself of Claire Burns, for once and for all, forever.

“I was expecting you,” she said when she opened the door for me.

I didn’t wait for her to invite me in. I pushed past her, making sure not to touch her, and waited in the living room. She had only spoken a few words and already she’d gotten under my skin. It was what she did best. That and hurting me.

“Drink?” she asked. 

I shook my head and eyed the bottles on her liquor cabinet, wondering which one would cause the most damage when I hit her over the head with it. I didn’t spot any sign of remorse on her face, as if she was free of regret, as if nothing could touch her — or maybe it was the Botox. I cleared my throat to speak but realised I had no idea what to say.

“Tonight should not have happened,” she said. “I presume you’ve come to set my house on fire.”

On top of her aloofness, she was making a joke out of it. Or perhaps it was just her way of keeping her guard up.

“Why?” I asked, leaning on the armrest of the couch for support. “Why did you do it?”

She sighed audibly and pursed her lips together, taking her time. “I could give you some reasons but they would all be inadequate.”

I shouldn’t have come. I couldn’t look at her anymore. It was as if her entire presence mocked me, saying she had had the last revenge. She took a few steps toward me and I instinctively recoiled. I swallowed hard and began to speak.

“You may tell yourself that you love me, but you’ve always loved yourself much more. There’s no room for anyone else in your life than the mighty Claire Burns.” I stared her straight in the eyes, pure anger spurring me one. “You’re cold and heartless and…” I paused for maximum effect. “So very alone.” I stood up from the couch and inched towards her. “You had to turn to Lou for company. You had to degrade yourself and betray the only person who has truly loved you in the past five, hell, even ten years.” She was a little taller than me but she didn’t glance down, instead she kept her gaze above my head, away from my eyes. “And now, you’re left with nothing.” I headed out of the room, fury ripping me apart. Once in the hallway, I took a deep breath and made for the door.

“You’ll be back, baby,” she shouted from around the corner. “I know you.”

“And I know you,” I whispered, not for anyone to hear. I let myself out of her house and slammed the door behind me. For the last time. I was done with Claire. It had taken me a long time, but this was, at last, the ultimate goodbye. I stood there for a bit in the blue-black of the night, unsure of where to go. Then I started walking in the direction of Jill’s house.

To be continued…