Trying to Throw my Arms Around the World

Another day

Another day

“You think I’m having an affair with Lou?” Claire asked, an incredulous smirk breaking across her face. “Holy Christ and Mother Mary, Lee. I do hope you’re joking.” I kept bumping into walls, as if everyone I asked was in on it, all of them carefully working together to shield me from the truth. Maybe it was just paranoia, a slumbering, subconscious kind of doubt that flared up every time I thought Lou didn’t appear enthusiastic enough to see me. Maybe it was my past catching up on me. Maybe it was just me.

“I don’t know what to think anymore. But at least it was extremely obvious that Lou didn’t want me here, which made me assume the worst.”

“She’s just a bit stressed, that’s all. They’ve all been working like crazy.”

“I shouldn’t be sitting here talking about this with you, Claire.”

“Don’t be silly. You can always talk to me, about anything. I hope you know that.”

“No, I can’t.”

“I’ll tell her that if she doesn’t come see you tonight, she’s fired.”

“After all the trouble you went through to hire her? I’m truly touched.”

“See, I knew there was a tiny smile hiding in there somewhere.” Claire got up and walked towards me. She squatted next to my chair. “Don’t worry, baby. After tomorrow, everything will go back to normal. I promise.”

“Unfortunately, that’s not a promise you can make.”

“Don’t do anything stupid tonight.” She veered up and, once again, I was amazed by her agility. “Give Lou another chance. She’s one of the good ones.”

“Unlike you, you mean?” I stood up and faced her. It seemed like ages since I had stared up at her crooked lips.

“No need to get nasty, Lee. Go on, get out of here. I have work to do.”

“Thanks, Claire.”

“Hey, I owe you for life, right?” She winked and walked back to her desk. I stood outside her office for a while, debating whether it would be a good idea to look for Lou again, but I couldn’t face that glower again, that face that told me everything words couldn’t.

I waited and waited for Lou. Despite telling her not to bother I had hoped for a grand gesture, an action that could make me rewind, or just make me feel a little better. I sat and sulked and scoured my memory for the mention of one of her co-workers’ names I might have missed. I accepted that it wasn’t Claire. Maybe it was someone outside of work? Could it be Vic? I was slowly driving myself insane with question after question, until, from the back of my mind, hesitantly at first, but then, once that train of thought had been set in motion, more forcefully, it crept up on me, until I was certain. It wasn’t anyone else. It was me. She’d had enough of me. The realisation struck me right in the stomach. If she was really sick of me, there wouldn’t be anything I could do. If she didn’t love me like I loved her, all I could do was find a way to accept that and, somehow, move on without blaming her. I wanted to call her and ask but I was too afraid of the answer and I didn’t want to disturb her before the big presentation tomorrow. I would wait another day, patiently, for her to break my heart.

To be continued…