Trying to Throw my Arms Around the World

Explanations

“You two should talk,” Claire said. “I’ll retreat into the kitchen.”

“There’s no need,” I said. “She wants you now. I have nothing left to say.” Lou just stood there, mute, in the shadows of the hallway, a look of defeat carved into her skin. I could hardly face her, let alone speak to her. I wasn’t angry anymore. All I felt was the loss of this romance I had so believed in. Lou Gallagher had slipped through my fingers. I wasn’t enough for her anymore.

“Come on, Lee,” Claire said. “Give her a chance to explain.” She drilled her eyes into mine, willing me to obey, but that trick had stopped working on me years ago.

“What’s left–” 

“Please, babe,” Lou said, the tremor in her voice punching me in the heart. “Just for a minute.”

Claire exited the hallway and I sat down on the bottom step of the stairs. Lou crouched down beside me.

“I’m sorry,” she said and laid her hands on my knees. “I know this hurts, but it doesn’t have to be the end.”

“Why are you here?”

“I wanted to tell Claire that you knew.”

“You could have just called.”

“I tried, she didn’t pick up.” She dug her nails into my jeans. I welcomed their sting. “And I figured you’d be here. You’re fairly predictable in your actions.”

“You came to stop me then?”

She sighed. “I came to say I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have told you. I should have known how it would make you feel.”

“No, you shouldn’t have fallen for her in the first place. All this talk now, it’s meaningless. What do you want? You want me carry on like nothing happened while you dream of Claire? While you go to work for her every day.”

“I want you to understand that I love you. Despite–”

“Spare me the bullshit, please. You gave enough importance to your feelings for her to actually go and tell her, and me. This is not a school girl crush anymore. In fact, the only thing that stood between you and Claire getting it on was me. And not because me being your girlfriend would have held you back. She had to say no to you. So piss off with your talk of love. You’d be all over her if it wasn’t for Claire’s loyalty to me.”

“That’s not true, Lee. I swear to you. I only told her because I believed that saying it out loud, naming it, acknowledging it, would take some of the power out of it. It was bloody excruciating to sit there and confess my silly crush.”

“So you did it for me, eh? How nice of you.”

“I appreciate your difficulty with all of this, I really do, but I hope you know me well enough to see that I would never have acted upon it. Never.”

“You’re such a good person, Lou. I clearly don’t deserve you.”

“This doesn’t have to be the end, babe. That’s all I’m saying. I realise it’s not my decision, but I don’t want to lose you over a silly crush. Because that’s all it is.”

“That’s easy enough to say now you’re left with nothing.”

“I’ve been stupid and foolish and I’ve hurt you. But I never cheated on you. The thought never even crossed my mind. I’m as straightforward as they come, Lee. I don’t lie and I don’t cheat.”

“Do you want a medal for that? Can’t you see that what you did or didn’t do, doesn’t matter? You fell in love with someone else, and not just anyone, it had to be Claire. There’s no way our relationship can ever recover from that, just no way.”

“I didn’t fall in love with her. I love you.”

“So you keep saying, but look at us sitting here.”

To be continued…