Trying to Throw my Arms Around the World

Lothario

Lothario

I called Lou five times but she didn’t pick up. Then I tried Alex.

“You have to stop doing this, Leesbian. From now on you can’t call me before ten AM on weekdays and noon on weekends. Deal?”

“Yeah, yeah. Are you at work already?”

“Have you gone mad? Ben was just about to go down−”

“OK, I get the picture. Sorry for disturbing your morning shag.”

“You’re not a man, Lee. You don’t know what it’s like waking up to two poles sticking−”

“Please, spare me the details.”

“I’m just saying, these things have to be dealt with in an appropriate manner, otherwise your day is fucked and you may as well not get up.”

“You’re the picture of domestic bliss, girlfriend. You’ve no idea how much I envy you.”

“Of course I do, but let’s not dwell on that again. Is there a reason for your call at this ungodly hour? I assumed it was an emergency, otherwise I would have declined, respectfully of course.”

“Lou came round to my house last night.”

“And?”

“I wasn’t home. I just wondered if she’d said anything to you about stopping by. I only found out this morning and she’s not answering her phone.”

“That’s because it’s seven bloody fifty-five, Lee. She probably hasn’t had her morning coffee yet. Anyway, where were you last night?”

“Babysitting Leo.”

“I’m impressed. I thought you’d have gone to some sleazy dyke bar to drown your sorrows.”

“Yeah−”

“I have to go now, Leesbian, Ben says it’s now or never.”

“Have a nice day, Alex.”

“I only told Lou good things about you, though. Told her you were a stand-up, warm-hearted person with a bit of a Lothario-complex.” 

“Who needs a shrink with a friend like you?”

I joined Eleanor in the kitchen and nibbled on a pancake, my stomach too upset to take anything in.

“I had dinner with Lucy last night,” she said. “I think she’s seeing someone.” My chin dropped down a few inches.

“Say that again, please?”

“I guess it’s still in the early stages and she doesn’t want to jinx it by putting it out there, but I could just tell. And she kept getting text messages that inspired the most goofy grins.”

“Shit. I can’t believe this.”

“What?”

“I’m as good as certain it’s Joan, you know, my ex-trainer.”

“The woman who almost blackmailed you out of a job? Lucy’s involved with her?”

“I think so.”

“Good God, that girl has the most horrible taste in women.”

“Thanks a lot.” 

“Well, no offence, Lee, but you haven’t exactly made her happy.”

“She hardly did wonders for my happiness levels either.”

“I’m sorry, but I’m quite upset about this. What’s she doing with the likes of that Joan?”

“Hell if I know, but I’ll be sure to ask her today.” 

When I arrived at work, Lucy wasn’t in yet. Maybe she was having an early morning S&M session with Joan. No wonder her cheeks had been so flushed last Monday − those negotiations must have been very painful. I called Annabelle because I didn’t want to deal with her face-to-face.

“Can you schedule me ten minutes with Lucy as soon as she comes in, please?”

“She won’t be here before noon. Can I ask what it’s regarding?”

“Just some questions about an article I’m stuck with. Can she do lunch?”

“You’re asking for lunch with the boss because you’re stuck with some review? What’s it about? Men?”

“A new comedy club just opened down the road, Annabelle, maybe you should apply. Don’t have too high expectations, though.”

“I’ll get back to you about that lunch. Have a wonderful day, Lee.” What a morning, I thought, I should have had more pancakes.

To be continued…