Trying to Throw my Arms Around the World

Entanglements and flaws

Flaws

Monday evening after a deceptively ordinary day at work, I found Joan waiting for me outside the building.

“Have you told her yet?” she asked, the veins in her neck bulging. “I’ll wait for her until the penny drops, but I would appreciate it if you could speed up the process.”

I ducked as far away as possible in the collar of my coat, but even if it were made of concrete, it still wouldn’t have been enough to protect me from Joan. I didn’t want to risk angering her even more with the snide remark lingering on my tongue — “Lucy never loved you the way she was supposed to.” — so I decided to play the nice card. “Do you want to go for a drink?”

She looked at me as if I’d just taken Lucy away from her again, but with brute force this time instead of just a needy look in my eyes. Of course, Joan didn’t drink. Wrong approach.

“Coffee or tea?” I pointed my chin in the direction of a conveniently located Starbucks a bit further down the road and my stomach clenched at the thought of settling into one of the snug couches with Joan as company.

“I’ll have a mineral water.” The brave face she was trying to put on was already starting to crumble.

“Do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t, huh, share the same feelings?” I danced around the inevitable truth that Joan had been not much more than a pawn in Lucy’s waiting game.

“Maybe I should call Lucy and ask her the same question?”

She got me there. She was clever and quick, impossibly stubborn and so hurt. A combination not to be reasoned with. 

“Fair enough.”

Her eyes blazed with renewed vigour. “You may have known Lucy the longest, but at least I took the time to really get to know her. And I know what, besides you, her weaknesses are. Don’t make the mistake of thinking, even for a minute, that this is over.”

“I don’t want to fight with you, Joan. I understand you’re hurt, believe me, I know what that feels like. But this is what Lucy wants right now. At some point, you’ll have to accept that.” I was already getting tired of the conversation. I didn’t have the energy for a drawn-out fight over Lucy. That was not part of the deal I had made with myself.

Joan gulped down the water in her bottle without taking her eyes off me. She could sit there in combat mode all night, displaying her pain and her competitive reaction to it, it wouldn’t change a thing. Nevertheless, her fiery gaze and imposing physique, of which I could see the appeal, started to get under my skin. And I had seen her true colours before. I had to get out of there.

“I’m sorry.” I drained the last of my coffee and got up. “I have to go.”

“Fine.” She fixed her stare on me again, by now well aware of the unsettling effect it had. “But don’t be surprised if Lucy doesn’t come home one of these nights.” She winked and pulled her lips into a fake smile. “Be prepared.”

I sped out of the coffee house, on the verge of a massive self-pity trip, when it hit me. Had I really expected my life to become drama-free all of a sudden? Had I really believed that Lucy could do that for me? I had envisioned her as my great saviour, but she was just a woman with her own entanglements and flaws. And then there was the pain, that under-current of loss flowing through me, denting me with every move I made. I halted at the tube entrance for a second, debating where to go. I had to see her. I had no choice.

To be continued…