I open my eyes. I realise that it wasn't all just a dream.
Jacob really is here, in my bed, next to me.
I really did act upon my feelings last night, I kissed him in my office, I brought him back to my house.
I quietly make my way to the bathroom, being careful not to wake him.
I stand at the sink and turn on the cold tap, using my hands to splash my face with water.
The feel of the icy droplets hitting my skin is exhilarating. It helps reinforce to me that I really am experiencing reality, this is happening.
I reach for the clean towel draped over the radiator and press it to my skin. I hold it there for a moment, before I slowly remove it from my face.
I open my eyes and look at my reflection in the mirror.
I can see him in the reflection too, behind me.
I watch the rise and fall of his toned chest as he sleeps. I can hear the soothing sound of his deep breathing, the slight snore that sounds with each new inhalation.
This morning, I woke up to the warmth of another body next to mine. It was strange, but it was nice. It was comforting.
I would be lying if I said he wasn't a pleasant sight to wake up to this morning. Those muscles. That face.
But, something inside is telling me that I have made a huge mistake.
I let my eyes linger on him for a moment longer, then finally pull them away. I need to get ready for work.
I tread softly out of the room, making sure to close the door gently behind me. I make my way downstairs.
I open the kitchen cupboard and pull out a mug, then close the door. I turn away to grab the coffee, but I stop when I remember that I am not alone this morning.
Should I make him one? Does he drink coffee in a morning?
I turn back to look at the cupboard for a moment, contemplate if I should prepare a coffee for him too.
I am not sure how he likes his coffee though. Does he take sugar, or milk? In fact, maybe he prefers a cup of tea in the morning?
I decide to wait until he wakes.
I haven't had to worry about catering for anyone else in a morning for years. Usually it is just me.
I sit down at the table with my coffee.
I look at the document in front of me. I was supposed to have finished this last night. I was however, a little too busy with him.
Do I regret my decision to spend the night with him instead? I'm not sure.
I listen for any sign that he has woken. But I can't hear anything.
I'm feel nervous, sitting here, waiting for him to come downstairs.
What do I say? How do I act?
What if he regrets last night? What if he wishes he hadn't stayed the night?
I look at my wrist to check the time. It is 7 o'clock.
My shift starts at 8.
I usually set off at 7:30.
I decide that today, I will set off early. I will leave before he wakes.
I could do with finishing my work anyway, and I always find that I can concentrate better in my office.
I quickly write a note, telling him I had to leave early for work.
I finish my coffee and place it by the sink.
I slip on my heels by the door and remove my coat from the hook.
I make sure that I shut the front door quietly on my way out.
I spot Jacob strolling into the department. I check my watch. He's ten minutes late.
"Sorry I'm late, boss" he grins at me as he walks by. He winks at me before walking away.
I hope he doesn't think it is now acceptable to be late, because of last night.
I am more cautious than usual around him during my shift.
I am careful how I act around him, careful with what I say. I don't want to let anything slip.
I feel somewhat uncomfortable working with him. But he doesn't seem to be finding it strange at all.
I am particularly worried about letting last night affect how he sees me at work. I still expect respect from him.
At the hospital, I still retain my role as clinical lead, and I need to make sure that is clear.
I cannot let him treat my position differently because of what happened between us.
I feel undermined by him in resus when he goes behind my back.
He believes he has found out information about the patient which is contradicting what I already found.
He has the cheek to tell me that I should be on his side. I am furious.
"Sleeping with me does not give you privileges in the ED" I turn around and glare at him. I refuse to let him think that having sex with me gives him permission to act differently.
I slowly realise what I have just shouted in the middle of resus, for everybody to hear.
I am immediately regretting that I let the words slip my mouth in this environment.
But, I have a patient to treat, I turn my focus to them.
I push open the doors to exit resus when I have finished treating them.
I storm to my office.
I can't believe I let this happen. I always assured myself that I wouldn't ever let anything compromise my job.
I sit down at my desk and take a deep breath.
My anger is slowly fading though.
I feel guilty for shouting at him like that.
I sigh.
I hate to admit, but he had been right.
I just refused to believe it at the time and I am finally beginning to realise that I wrongly jumped to conclusions.
My thoughts turn to last night.
The feel of his soft lips brushing against mine. The way my skin tingled under his delicate touch. The warmth of his body pressed onto mine.
I feel bad.
I have been overthinking, examining things in too much detail.
I think I have ruined anything we might have had.
For the first time in so long, last night I felt happy. I had for once, let my desires take control.
It felt good. I felt free.
I tend to always push people away.
Especially those who mean the most to me.
It has happened again today.
I could do nothing, and let him go.
I could do something to stop it happening this time.
I stride into the department and approach him. He is stood at the nurses' station.
I'm not surprised when he doesn't greet me with a smile. He barely acknowledges me in fact. I don't blame him though.
"Staff nurse masters, can I have a word in my office please?" I ask him sternly.
I see that he wants to refuse.
But he reluctantly follows me into my office.
I close the door behind us.
"I'm sorry" I say quietly.
Jacob looks surprised at my apology.
I am also surprised at the words that just left my mouth. It is not often that I apologise.
He doesn't say anything for a moment.
I wait nervously. I'm not sure is he is going to forgive me.
He shrugs at me and smiles.
I am confused. He doesn't seem that bothered by my actions. I thought he would have been embarrassed that I disciplined him in front of others.
"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you" I add.
Jacob looks at me and smiles again. "It takes a lot more than that to embarrass me."
A wave of relief leaves my body. I am pleased that he can forgive me.
I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. Which isn't how I expected to feel. I feel more relieved than I thought I would.
That's when I realise how much he must mean to me.
I realise I don't want to let him go. I can't let him go.
"Would you let me take you to dinner tonight?" I ask him with a big smile.
He grins at me. It is clear that his grin means yes.
"I will meet you outside in ten minutes." I tell him.
"You will." He says.
I can't stop the grin spreading across my face as I watch him leave.
