Natasha POV
I rummaged through my chest of drawers until I found my ledger book Clint had gotten me when I asked him a few years ago. I flipped through the pages until I came to a page with a clear slot. I moved over to my desk and picked a red pen up. I carefully wrote Clint's name in the slot and sat down on my bed numbly. I couldn't even cry anymore. I just was there, no emotion, detached. Clint would kill me if he saw how I was acting. Especially if he saw that I wrote his name in my book. I stared silently at his name. It was the latest in a long list.
"Are you alright, Natasha?" Tony asked, walking in without knocking.
I nodded absently and felt the bed dip down beside me.
"What's that?" Tony asked.
I glanced at him. His eyes were narrowed and he was trying to lean over my shoulder to see what was in the ledger.
"A ledger."
"For?" he prompted.
I didn't answer. His eyes widened and he snatched the ledger from me.
"This is everyone you've killed? Why is Cl-Barton's name in here?" Tony demanded.
"Not everyone I've killed. It's ones I've done and am responsible for," I replied faintly.
"You aren't responsible for Barton's death," Tony said firmly, taking the pen off my desk and crossing Clint's name out.
"Why do you even have this? I'm going to burn it."
"No you arent!" I yelled, "Clint gave me that!"
I snatched it back and glared at Stark. He narrowed his gaze slightly before muttering under his breath.
"I'm sorry," he sighed after a while.
I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye as I got up to put my ledger away. He looked sorry. Once I had it hidden again, I sat back down beside him.
"So, I was wondering if you knew Coulson and Fury were keeping a secret from you?"
"What secret?" I asked, curious for the first time in a month.
"Promise me you won't do anything stupid or reckless?" he said instead.
I narrowed my eyes and looked at Tony. He stared back, no humor in his face.
"Why?"
"Promise?" he prompted.
"What is it about?" I asked.
"God! Can you just promise me that you won't do something stupid!" Tony yelled.
"Fine!"
"Thank you!"
I waved a hand, indicating that he better talk.
"It's about Clint."
"What about him? Did they find his body?" I asked hopefully.
"No. But J said that they think Barton may have set the fire himself and disappeared."
I just stared at Tony. Clint could be an ass, but he wouldn't do that to me. He wouldn't let me think he was dead for a month, bordering two, and just be somewhere doing who knows what, would he?
"No. He wouldn't do that to me. He wouldn't. Clint wouldn't," I said tightly.
"Hey, calm down. It's just what they think. I know he wouldn't do that. Stop crying. It's rather unsettling," Tony said, smiling slightly in effort to cheer me up.
I hadn't noticed I was crying. I wiped away my tears angrily and glared at the floor.
"What do you think?" I asked.
"I think they're wrong. Can I ask you something?"
I nodded. Tony hesitated, chewing on his lip for a moment.
"How many people were there?"
"I don't know."
"I need you to think, Natasha. How many people?"
"I don't know! I didn't see them!" I snapped.
"Okay, is it possible they could have taken Clint?"
I shrugged. If they had taken Clint... he was better off dead than with HYDRA.
"I suppose. But-"
"Then there's a chance he's alive, Natasha. Are you going to pass that up?" Tony snapped.
"No."
"Good, we've got a lot of searching to do. We're a month behind whoever has Clint," Tony said, standing up and offering me a hand.
