So... every morning and night I take a handful of pills because I've got some screws loose in my brain. One of the things I take a medication for is A.D.D.
Today I did not have it because I ran out and neither my mom nor Oma bothered to get the prescription filled and picked up. sigh.
Let me just say that it fucking sucks not having it. It wouldn't be so bad if that was the only pill I took, but it's not. The way my meds are set up are so that all of them work together. As in... the side-effects I'd usually get from just taking the one is cancelled out by a different pill I take... so some of those other side-effects are actually there now.
I can't focus, but I can't not focus. I can try hard to focus on something, but it just doesn't work. I can't even focus on the things I want to focus on. I have thousands of thoughts racing through my mind constantly to the point that I'm not even thinking anymore.
This makes it extremely hard to read. I can reread something over and over and over and still have no clue what the fuck I just read. None. It's rare that I'll be able to read in this condition... The rare chance that I get into focus mode.
Ah... focus mode without the medication is like a trap; a sticky mouse trap. I get stuck on something I can't get off of. My perfectionist side comes out more and makes it impossible to do anything or enjoy doing anything.
Think about it... Say I'm editing a picture of Yoongi. I'm wanting to just have him selected and not the background. I zoom in so much so I can get every little pixel perfectly, but oh wait, I need to do tags on Wattpad. What was I doing again? Oh, Yoongi. I totally forget about Wattpad (sorry Watty). Back to the details, but ugh I'm not comfortable, but ugh I want to eat, but ugh I miss my oma, but ugh a squirrel, but ugh blank. 100% blank.
Food. My God... without that one pill, I become the biggest pig you'll ever see. I try so hard to control it and not eat, but I can't help it. It's not good food either. It's always stupid carb-filled shit. Sweet stuff. I swear every time I miss this medication, I gain 5kg (11lbs).
My attention span is worse than a 2 year old's. Even if I'm really into something, everything around me is distracting. Like right now, there's a spot on my screen and it's constantly catching my eye when it usually doesn't. There's also my hand wrinkles. What's up with those? I smell like smoke (from campfire). My cat's kinda cute. I rub my feet together whenever my legs are crossed. It's weird. I don't even mean to, it just happens. I had an ex that didn't like that and my ex got so mad and kept telling me to stop. I tried, I really did, but the bitch ended up having to give up. My neck is tired. There's a bruise under my middle fingernail on my left hand. Somehow my toe.. Wow I got so off topic wtf.
Thinking before I speak or type... it's gone. There's no thinking. I just do, just say, and I get in trouble a lot and make terrible choises. My mood is ridiculous, too, like I guess I can't decide what mood I'm in or something. Maybe it's because I'm just constantly angry about how I feel mentally but things in life make me smile so my emotions are just everywhere. I don't have a clue. I talk slow, like a person who's high off weed or a drunk without the slur. It's so ridiculous.
I hate this feeling. The weird thing about my medication is that I don't have to do drugs to get high. I just have to skip all my meds. [Meds = normal(ish), no meds = mentally ill and a tad fucking crazy.] Except, it's a horrible high. A fucking terrible high, like a bad trip. Sucks. It sucks so fucking much.
I want to cry, but that's not gonna do anything. I want to talk about it, but I can't speak correctly. I want to type it all out, but I can't keep up with what I'm thinking. My fingers aren't fast enough. This isn't even half of it. I want to do bad stuff, but I don't do that shit anymore. It just... those urges come to mind without the medication for some reason.. sighsighsigh.
Welcome to 1/12 of my medless world. (You should see what it's like when I miss the other ones... oh god)
Just to clarify, my reason for putting this out there is because it might interest someone... Not for sympathy or empathy. <3
