In real life, I'm usually alienated because I'm... different. Not because I'm weird and do strange things, but because I'm just... I dunno. It's my mentality, I guess. Only people in their late 20's and older like to talk to me, and it's been this way for as long as I can remember.
I've moved a lot, so I've had to make many different acquaintances in my short lifetime. None of them lasted long, though. Just about everyone is the same, though. No matter where I moved, they were the same.
In elementary and middle school, I had better relationships with my teachers than I did with my fellow schoolmates. I couldn't properly converse with the kids my age, so I just went to the grown-ups. Somehow, they genuinely enjoyed my presence. I can't remember my freshman year of high school, so...
In school - in society, I did try to fit in. I still do, to an extent. It works, but it doesn't. I was always able to build a little "friendship circle," but I was never really part of it. I was always left out. My friends would always 'kindly' blow me off and ignore the things I say. I'd often be the one person in the group that there wasn't enough room for, or the one person that didn't know some huge secret. But I went along with it because I wanted friends.
Some of my friends found me interesting when I did talk, but they never really commented on my words. Nobody engaged in a legitimate conversation with me. I assume it's because they didn't enjoy my topics, but I didn't necessarily enjoy their topics, either. Everything they talked about was all so childish, and I was so... not childish. I found majority of the things they talked about dumb and obnoxious.
As I got older, I learned how to "fit in." All I did was dumb myself down a little bit. I pretended that I actually acted my age, when in reality, I was an adolescent going on early 20's. People my age were a bit more accepting of me, but I was still left out of everything. And I really did not enjoy faking my way through every day.
Now that I'm much older, I've reverted back to when I didn't fake it. I've gone back to allowing myself to be me, to be 17 going on 27. That's in real life, though. On the internet, I've been trying to act 12 to fit in and make friends. Right now, I have nobody in real life, so my Web friends are all I have. But faking it is exhausting.
Recently, I've decided to be me on the internet, too. In 5 days, I've managed to go from being an important, accepted person in my "friend circles" to that alienated friend again. I didn't think that this would follow me to the world wide Web, but it did. And it sucks.
I'm left out of everything once again, and it makes me not want to have Web friends anymore. I love my friends, But I'm... I'm tired of it... I'm so tired of being the odd one out.
Being alienated is something I really, really don't like, even though I really don't like socializing. Thing is, it's been like this for 17 and a half years. I'm coming to accept the fact that it is going to be this way for the rest of my life. I'll be flying solo until the day I die.
And unfortunately, flying solo really, really, really sucks.
