Too Much

Chapter Ten

A/N: Warning, self-harm content.

Eleanor

Sometimes I let myself wallow in sadness. I would overthink things and let the pain take over my entire being so that later on, I would be numb of all feelings.

I was a mess. I barely got out of my bed, and whenever I did, it was only to take a wee. I resigned from the bakery, I would regret it later, but I fear seeing Harry again. I knew it would happen one way or another but I just wasn't ready for it to happen yet. I fear that whatever that was left of me would break down once I see him without having time to atleast partially heal.

It was times like this when I was alone that it all comes crashing down. And I found myself questioning, why was I ever not worthy of love? All I ever did was to love the people around me but why did I always get left behind? Why did people leave? Why didn't they return the same affection I always give? Was it not enough? Was I not worth loving? It was times like this when I question my existence or my relevance.

Harry didn't love me back, My bestfriend Max wasn't at my side, I barely had any other friends and even my own parents wanted nothing to do with me. Yes, maybe I pushed those people away at some point, but that was because I wanted to know who really wanted to stay. And now, I figured no one did.

That was when nothingness would take over. I'd be staring up the ceiling but not particularly. I'd be numb of any feeling and my mind would run thousands of thoughts that it'd blank out at one point. I kept thinking it was better that way, feeling nothing than the wave of endless pain.

But it still wasn't enough. My eyes were still pouring out tears without my brain's consent. Sobs were still escaping my mouth no matter how blank my mind was. Then, I'd constantly think that the numbness wasn't enough. Maybe I needed to be completely numb.

Or maybe even permanently.

My body knew what it wanted. So while my mind wasn't running any thoughts, I slowly slipped out of my bed and went inside the bathroom that was connected to my own room. I absentmindedly rummaged through the cabinet in search of something, I wasn't really sure what it was but it seemed like my body did. When I found what I was looking for, I grabbed it with shaky hands and threw the wrapper hastily. I pulled the left sleeve of my jumper halfway up my arms, just enough to show my wrist.

It was like I was seeing myself in a different point of view. Like I was separated from my own body and all I could do was watch it do what it needed to do. Although it seemed that my body knew what it was doing, I had never done this thing before. I always urged myself to be strong but for the first time in my life, I couldn't help but feel weak. Like everything was falling apart and no one was there to help me put it all together. I was helpless.

So while I was sitting on the floor with my back on the wall, I put the thing over my wrist, just close enough to feel the coolness of the metal, then I tilted it so the sharp edge was hovering over where my pulse was. I slowly put pressure on it until I felt it cutting my skin.

"Eleanor?" I heard someone called downstairs.

Albeit, I continued. When I felt that the cut was deep enough, I slowly dragged the blade across my wrist. I bit my lower lip to stifle the whimpers that was coming from my mouth.

"El, love. Where are you?" I heard the voice say but I ignored it.

Blood oozed out of the fresh wound but I still continued dragging until the cut drew a line on my pale skin, highlighted by the blood that was flowing out of it. I let the bloody blade fall on the floor and I examined my wrist.

The pain was just for a brief moment. First, I was lightheaded and my vision was spinning, I was seeing black at some point and it seemed like I was in the verge of passing out. But soon enough, I wasn't feeling anything.