Broken But Not Broken (COMPLETE)

Wake Me Up When September Ends

Well, hi! 

So yesterday I got my computer back, the thing is that it stopped working and they repaired it, long story short, they recuperated photos, documents, music, etc... so I was going through the photos and I saw photos of myself when I was 3-7 years I stared at my smiles and thought: "Was I really happy or were those miles fake?" I remembered when my parents got divorced, I've already talked about that, but I didn't tell about what happened after that... 

My mom got depressed, but I didn't know, she recently told me (I think I already talked about it), anyway, she was angry all the time, I was afraid she'd come home after work because my days would consist of yelling and hitting me, yeah it was a disaster and I was the top of my class and everything, I was the perfect daughter, I don't know why she acted like that, well, I do know, she was depressed...

One day, when I was 7 or 8, she came home and started yelling as usual, but I was sick of it, so I yelled back "Don't yell at me!!!" and she lost it, she started hitting me with a kitchen wooden spoon and she broke it, I was really scared, but the thought of cutting never crossed my mind.

When I was 9 or 10, I collected the courage, since I was taller and stronger than my mom, to yell back at her again and she lost it again, but this time, I grabbed her wrist and told her "Don't you ever hit me again" she hitted me with her other hand again, with another wooden spoon, but by this time, I didn't feel anything because I was used to the pain. I didn't even move an inch, she got angry and went upstairs, I cried like hell in my room and thats it. 

Every day, since the day my parents got divorced, my days would be the same: Wake up, be with my mother until she went to work and I went to school, study as the perfect student, have lunch, study some more, go back home with the nanny, do homework, my mom arrived, she started yelling and hitting me, I had dinner, she'd yell and hit me some more, brush my teeth, more yelling and hitting, crying till I had no more tears left inside me, go to sleep scared, repeat.

Now that I am 15, I once told her: "If you keep yelling, I'll leave this house" and like it was a magic word, she shut up and walked away. 

I talked to my psichologist and told her that I'd prefer to live on the street than to live with her, and I do, also, I had a big fight with her on Friday or Saturday, I don't really remember exactly what day, but I remember her exact words, she said "Why don't you carve in your skin what you have to do, rather than to cut for stupid stuff?!" I instantly felt as if my heart was ripped out of my body and started crying, we were in the car and my cousin was driving, so my mom got out the car and walked to my house (We were arriving), I cried and when the car stopped, I went straight to my room and cried my ass off. Then the urge to cut came to notice, and I didn't want to stop myself, so I did it, I cut myself and then cried for another while. I found a big bracelet and put it on after I stopped bleeding. I planned my suicide after that. I even wrote suicide notes to my best friend and to my mother, in which I thanked her for giving me the courage to do it, of course I destroyed it and kept the one for Mali. I talked about the fight with my mom, the cutting and the idea of suicide, avoiding the suicide notes, with my shrink and she told me, what does Lisa want? (Watch "Girl, Interrupted" and Lisa is the most damaged character of this movie, I identify with her, so I called my wreckless part like her) I said: "She wants to kill herself?" she responded "What does Mini-Marbella want? (Marbella is my mother's name, I have an organized part of me, so I decided to call her like that) and I said "She wants the courage to follow Lisa" she stored at me sadly and asked "And what do you want?" and I said "I want to hold Lisa's and Marbella's hand and walk with them towards my end" she looked at me worried and she kind of cried, I felt really bad, but I am dead serious about what I said. I do want to kill myself, but Mali is the only anchor I have left to keep me in this tupid world, I don't want to hurt her, so I am just cutting and keeping stuff to myself.

So, yeah, I am thinking on how to do it. It will happen, I don't know when or how, but I know I will, meanwhile, I am addicted to pain, I asked a guy to hit me in the arm and it felt like a drug, it felt so good and she called me fucking crazy and I am... I'll just try to survive for a little while, after that, goodbye :)

Song: Wake Me Up When September Ends by Green Day

Movie: Girl, Interrupted

Book: Eleanor and Park

I guess I got a little emotional while writing this 

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