Broken But Not Broken (COMPLETE)

I am kind of happy (?

Hi, again!

In the last chapter I said that I was in risk of repeating a year, well, it seems that I am not in danger anymore!!! I just have 3 subjects to make an exam for, and I am almost sure I will pass them. I am happy. Also, my mother decided that I would be going on vacation with them, at first, my mom decided that I was not going because of the exams, but one day, when we were shopping, she decided that I would go with them (my cousins and my mom) to Los Cabos. 

I am very happy for that.

But why am I feeling like shit all over again? I cry, the urge to cut has come back, my suicidal thoughts have come back, but why? I am okay, my family is okay, I don't a lot of problems and they all certainly can be solved. My life is almost back toghether, my life is getting better. WHY THE FUCK AM I FEELING LIKE THIS? Why am I having self destructive thoughts again, for example: drinking, punching the wall, smoking. And sometimes self destructing doesn't mean to do those things, sometimes it is not caring, not putting a seat belt on, not eating properly, they are subtle, they are difficult to identify.

Why am I doing that to myself? Why do I suddenly remember everything? 

Overthinking sucks, one moment I'm fine and my brain goes "Oh remember that time when you embarrased yourself?" or "Oh you remember that time when you did this wrong?" and I start re-living everything I've done wrong in my life and just torture myself. It comes mostly at night, when I'm alone in my room and I'm ready to go to sleep and when I'm in my bed staring at the ceiling. That's when everything happens. 

I used to wish night time would come, but now, with everything that's happening, night time is kind of scary.

I am losing myself, slowly, but I will do my best to not relapse. I will NOT go back to where I was a year ago. I refuse to. But I've realized that I don't control it. I can't control my emotions and my thoughts, I just can't. I don't want to relapse, but maybe one day my mind will win again, and maybe, I will cut again and maybe I won't stop, and maybe the story will repeat itself. 

Goodnight/day/whatever time it is.

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