On The Run [phan]

ninteen.

The blankets from Dans bed clung around his shoulders as he gazed out his window. Phil had an early shift this morning so Dan didn't stay the night. They spend almost all their time together anyway. It's usually around Lenny's. Either working, in the park or his house, the two are constantly together.

Dan has never had anyone he connected with this deeply before. Sure, he had friends in school but they seemed to only be fillers. He did stuff with them and he liked them but never did Dan feel this way about anyone before. Not just the love he felt but the connection. It was if Dan and Phil had been made for each other. As if God himself carefully planned each of their steps to lead their paths together. Dan didn't know if that was the real reason but whatever's the case, he's happy it happened.

Imagining a life without Phil now that the two had grown so close seemed like a life not worth living. Why would Dan ever want to cower back in his corner of 'okay' when Phil was anything but? Although he feels this, Dan isn't quite sure how Phil feels. They've had a few breakthroughs within their month or two of dating but Dan was still found grasping the dark. Phil was complicated. He seemed to want to be close to Dan, he was close to Dan, but he seemed hesitant. Dan did but didn't know why. The nightmares that haunted his dreams regularly were enough to drive anyone crazy.  Dan was desperate to figure him out.

Reaching his hand up to his face Dan fiddled with his nose ring. He still couldn't believe that he actually did something so spontaneous. His life was dull. He was dull. A dull person doesn't just go get a nose ring. Dan likes it. He would have never done it if it weren't for Phil. Dan just imagines the many other experiences Phil can show him.

Throwing his sheets off Dan let his feet hover the floor for a minute. He let his socks drag across the wood as he thought, his hands clasping onto the edge.

A few weeks ago Phil took Dan out for their one month. The memories replayed in Dans brain daily.

The two had gone out to eat at a fancy restaurant where the waiters wore suits. Dan kept insisting it was too much but Phil promised him it was no big deal. He said he was saving up for something fun to do and 'this is the best thing I can imagine spending that on.' Phil opened up to Dan after a glass of champagne or two. He told Dan his parents were not good people. It was a small bit of information but Dan clung to it like it was the most important thing in the world. Replying with his own parent struggles Dan hoped Phil would continue but instead he backed out. It's as if he realized he revealed himself to the light more than he had wished and was now retreating back to his cave of seclusion. After the dinner the two stumbled back to Phil's on a small buzz. Dan was old enough to drink, he just never did. But with Phil none of his morals made sense. The lines were blurred. Phil brought out a bottle of wine and they drank away the night making out on his bed. Dan doesn't remember much but he knows they didn't get far at all. It was only slight touching and then they collapsed into sleep.  But he does remember waking in the morning and seeing Phil's tattoo. He didn't hate it as much as he thought he would. In fact, he actually quite liked it now.

Letting his feet fall to the floor Dan pushed himself up.  Grabbing his things Dan headed downstairs.  His father was in the kitchen at the stove.

Hoping to not distract him Dan tried to sneak pass.  But for once his dad actually said something, "you almost gave your mother a heart attack with that nose thing of yours."

"I know, I'm sorry."  Seems she suddenly cares, why is that? Not like she has before.

"We have a reputation to uphold here, your mother brings in a lot of business from town.  It doesn't help to have a delinquent kid staining the family name with piercings."  Oh that's right.  Her problems with me are always traced back to herself.  She's not worried about me ruining my life but hers.

"I don't think people know me enough to care.  I'm sorry."  Dan added the last bit after realizing how sassy his first remark might come across as.

His dad didn't seem to think it was enough, "Daniel James Howell.  You are not under this roof to disobey rules and snap at me.  You will listen to your mother or I, you hear?"

"Yes.  M'sorry."  Dan mumbled, "I didn't mean to cause any harm."

"Think about your family the next time you decide to do something."  His father shook his head, "you can go."

Maybe next time think about me before you do something. 

Dan hustled out the door and began his short walk to the library.  It was another rainy day so he threw his hood up to try and block out some water.   That was the first conversation Dan had with his father in months.  Dan wonders how he'd react to Phil.  To Dan liking boys? Would he disown him if he found out? Send him away?  Maybe shun him? Dan didn't know and frankly he didn't want to find out.  He knows his mother tosses around some unfriendly words about anyone outside of her realm of normal so she would not be happy.  Dan realizes that this is the first time he really did consider how his parents would react to something he did.  Something he was, actually.

Stopping in a local gas station Dan smiled at the cashier he's seen come into Lenny's a few times.  Dan paces the isle a bit before stopping at the flowers.  He decided to grab some daisies for Phil.  They were his favorite after all.  Along with the flowers Dan grabbed a water and placed it on the counter. 

"Will this be all?" The lady asked and Dan nodded. Blocking out the total Dan handed her a few pounds hoping it would suffice. 

"Thanks."  Dan grabbed his things and walked out of the store.  The rain had softened to a drizzle much to Dans liking.  It was easier to think without the constant pounding of falling water.

Isn't it weird how humans just accept the fact that water falls out of the sky?

Sure, it's all scientific and stuff but it's still a crazy thought.  Imagine if instead of water drops of light rained from the sky, or stars.  Or something else.  Dan assumes that would be more interesting than water.  If instead of wiping away rain from someone's face you'd swipe away a pool of light. 

It was such an adolescent thought but Dan could imagine.

Dan sometimes does that.  His mind will wander extremely childish places.  It's better for his creativity.  Or at least, that's what he tells himself. 

Do you ever think about if there's anything you truly believe in? Something so embedded in your core you'd defend it to the death?  Dan wonders if he'd ever find something he believed in so truly.  No opinions or facts were so important to Dan that he'd die for them. Perhaps that's a good thing? Maybe it helps him keep an open mind.  Dan envies the people who invest their lives into matters they deem important.  Whether it be religion, or science or even love.  Devoting oneself to something takes a lot of self knowing.  Spending years at a time on something.  Crazy.

That's a question Dan always thinks: will he ever find his devoted purpose?  Or will he float from star to star never picking a forever belief? 

Maybe it's selfish for Dan to use excuses like that instead of doing something.  He's sure there's people in the world who are dying to change it but are in a situation where they can't.  Dan knows they'd deserve his place better than himself.  They'd do a much better job with his life.  Instead they will fight to even try to join the same playing field as Dan. 

Dan finds himself at his gazebo and pulls out a new book huddled under the familiar ceiling, hoping that some answers will be answered through reading. 

An: wowie I fell asleep at 8 and then woke up at 1 and wrote this.  Probs going back to sleep now.