For Your Eyes Only

S i x t y - o n e

"D-Daddy?"

I hear my daughter's innocent voice ringing at the back of my head. Taylor and I pulled away at the same time and turned our heads to look at the same direction.

Just a couple of meters away, was my daughter and my wife, staring at us with their horrified faces, especially Alison's. I'm an idiot, I'm a complete git. I've had no one to blame, it's because I can't resist it! It's because I made the worst choices, it's because I always make the wrong decisions.

I opened my mouth to say something yet no words came out. How would I explain it when they already saw everything? Liz stood frozen with her shocked expression. She hid back every ounce of emotion and kept her face steady, making it a lot harder to read her. . . but I do know she's hurt by what I did. God! I'm such a sh-t.

For a second, I glanced at Taylor, she was staring straight at Alison. Their matching blue eyes locked gazes as though they're conversing through it. Then I fixed my stare on my daughter, wanting to find out something, I don't know what it is but something.

"Alison, let's go." Liz said stiffly, her voice filled with bitterness and anger, and then pulled on Alison's arm yet she stood firmly on the ground, never breaking her gaze from Taylor and I.

Alison looked like she was about to cry so I took a step forward. Liz opened up her palm and gestured for me not to, and I didn't. I have no right to do it. . . what I did is terrible, and it'll break her too. It'll probably affect her more than anyone here.

"I'm sorry, Alison." Taylor said even with her tired and quiet voice, I knew she was on the brink of crying as well. She broke off the dreadful silence yet it didn't make me feel any better. She wasn't supposed to be the one apologizing, it should be me! But I could barely say a word, my voice fade into nothing. This is all my fault! None of them should have to suffer for it. "I'm sorry." She repeated, much quieter than earlier.

Taylor walked pass me, all I could catch up to was her scent that the wind carried before she walked pass Liz and ran down the hallway. I couldn't move to catch up with her and with the situation, that's the worse idea that I could ever think of. I have to let her be alone. Me being around her wouldn't help. I thought I could change that but look where it got me.

It was only a second when Alison ran away too. I took a few steps forward but Liz shook her head, "Don't bother." She said,  she gave me one last disappointed face and ran after her.

I was stuck, frozen and stared at nothing when all of them left. My mind went completely blank as I don't know what to think, how would I get out of--- no, how will I ever fix this mess? I need to clear this up soon.

Unconsciously, I went back to Lou's room. Eleanor asked me something and then You mum but I never answered. I've messed up, I've messed up way worse than I did before. Three of the main people that had been so important in my life are all involved. It'll be impossible to have this fixed up. For the rest of the day, I've stared in static, playing back those events inside my head starting from where I've done wrong and ending where I've done nothing.

Now it's not just my body that's aching, it's also my soul, everything about me that throbs in pain which are all caused by my foolish decisions and completely wrong answers. Why did I do this? Why did I do that? Why can't I just settle for what I have? Why can't I just leave everything in silence? Why can't I just stop myself? Why do I have to be this way?! The whole day, it's nothing but those thoughts all alone with me, lying on the couch and staring at the blank ceiling. Everything seemed so blank, emotionless, just plain. . .