For Your Eyes Only

E i g h t y - e i g h t

I couldn't sleep, it was not a heavy one at the least. I feel awful, my eyes alone brought pain every time I blink. When I woke up, - I wasn't really sure about time but I do know it's before dawn - my eyes and cheeks were wet with tears. I didn't remember a dream but I know I don't like it.

I wiped my tears with my free arm and moved a little to escape the line between sleeping and being awake. Groaning a little, I kicked up to sit. . .until I realized Taylor was lying on me, her head on my chest and her arms draped all over me. I stopped what I was planning to do and lied back down.

"God." I groaned quietly again. That was an awful dream. . . I thought, I don't remember much but I remember how painful it was. What happened again?!

I tried to think back on the things, everything felt real to me. I closed my eyes again, my tears felt burning hot against my face. Why am I crying?! - oh. I suddenly felt cold, the cool air was harsh against my skin. With my free hand, I pulled up the covers all over us and closed my eyes again.

Unfortunately, after a couple of minutes, I wasn't able to sleep. I would toss and turn but I couldn't take the risk of Taylor waking up. I outstretched my other arm to the desk where I know I left my phone. I squinted my eyes to the slightly blinding light coming from the screen. I really wasn't sure what I'd do with it but I just wanted to check.

I've been flooded with messages from both Gemma and my mum, most of them asking how Taylor was. I was puzzled for a moment until I realized. . .

Oh.

It was at that quiet moment when I wanted to throw my phone away. . . but I didn't. I continued reading their messages and I knew they were as worried as I am with Taylor.

We're home now. . . She's alri

I stared for a while at that blinking line. I felt like I was lying. Was I? I closed my eyes for a second and tears made their way out. It seemed like I was running out of tears as there were only a few that came out. I opened them later on and let my tears dry out. I erased those few words. I'd be lying if I didn't. I wasn't in the right place to say that she is alright. I want to believe that but I also know that I'm lying to myself if I did.

We're home.

I sent the message to both Gemma and my mum. I put my phone back to where it was and tried to go back to sleeping. My sleepiness escaped me because of the tears inside my eyes, my exhaustion was still there but I couldn't sleep. The rest of the hours that I should be sleeping, was spent with me just staring at the ceiling, trying to figure things out when in the first place, I've got nothing to figure out.

Think of her promise, Harry.
Believe her, she's not going to leave you.
She promised, right?
She won't leave you.
Just make sure you don't leave her.
She needs you, you know that.

I never went back to sleep after that. I lied awake, just thinking of things, and I know to myself that I'm trying to preserve the moment in my head. Having Taylor, alive, breathing with me seemed more than a blessing now. It just became more important to me. . . and I tried remembering every single detail of it. Her scent, her touch, her quiet breathing, her occasional hums. I ran my fingertips and traced her hair.

This feeling. . . can't it stay that way?

I could feel her heartbeat as she slowly breathes. I've never imagined it this way. I thought it would be me who'd go first. Taylor? I never thought it would be this early. I just got her back, I still have plans for the two of us. I've already planned for the future, I've planned for a future that would have reached decades, until we grow old. . . turns out heaven has other plans.