For Your Eyes Only

E i g h t y - n i n e

Exhausted and sleepy as I was, I woke up at  five am. I was slightly surprised to realise that I woke up in bed with Taylor but then I remembered we both moved here a few hours ago for some reasons. It was a good thing that she was a bit distanced from me so I was able to sit up and text my mum.

It wasn't very long before I received a text that had caught my eyes for some reasons.

It's here. What time will you pick it up?

I immediately recognised the number and dialed it. The conversation barely lasted but I knew what I had to do. I got myself dressed up as soon as I could. I took a quick cup of coffee and left a note for Taylor.

Went out to arrange things,
I'll be back soon.
P.S. don't leave home.

All the love
-H

I hung the note on the refrigerator with a kitten magnet and walked out quietly. That arranged meet up was still eight am this morning but I planned on going somewhere else before that. I still have three hours.

Seeing as there was no getting over on the fact that Taylor only have two months left, I figured I should talk to someone about it. I pulled up to the empty parking lot and walked through the wide open fields. Snow and small twigs crunch up in every step I took. Snow fell on top of my head as easily as I shake them off with every movement. I was used to the cold but something about this place and what had been happening these days adds up that it all felt terribly chilly.

I walked pass those old, large stones and a few old, crooked trees. And then I finally arrived. . .

"Harold." I said as I looked down on my son's grave. I couldn't quite possibly believe it but this January will be one year since his death. It's funny how time flies really quick. I didn't think things will escalate that rapid.

"It's been about a week and two days since I visited and talked to you. Next month will be your birthday, if you were still alive we'd throw a party for you. . ." I said and laughed a little. It might sound ridiculous to some people but I know he's listening, and He's listening too.

I sighed, running my fingers through my hair. "I suppose you already know how I've been these past few days. Awful but I don't reckon it's anywhere near how Taylor is feeling."

"People always say God has a plan for us, for once I want to know his plan, regarding Taylor." I trailed, it might have been strange for her to be my first priority, but I can't help it, she is. "I know I should look out for your mum and Alison but Taylor needs it more right now. I know God knows how much of a good person she is. Does He really need to take Taylor now? Why now?"

I asked, my voice growing fainter and fainter. Little have I realised that tears made their way to my eyes and out my cheeks. Here I am, crying again and I didn't bother stopping it.

"These past months, they've been perfect. I thought I could spend the rest of my life like that. Wrong again." I said, even broke out into humourless laughter. "Things just always prove me wrong. I guess it's just how it goes but — I don't think I can stand losing Taylor. They say God only gives you problems you can face. . ."

I took a deep breath and wiped some of the tears from my face.

"Does He know that I can't face this one? Does He know that I can't do this? I just got her back, for more than ten years of my life without her, can't I have the rest with her? Does God know that I can't live without her now? If He doesn't, can you please tell Him?"