For Your Eyes Only

N i n e t y - n i n e

"Harry." I heard my mum's voice the minute I walked inside the Swifts mansion. I kept my head bowed, I didn't want to see anything that could make my heart sink deeper. Taylor's gone, she's just not here anymore, she's just gone. . . I told her I couldn't live without her and I can't, it was the truth. I barely felt alive.

My mum wrapped her arms around me and I wished I felt the slightest comfort, but I didn't. I was as stiff as a statue. Gemma came too, and she hugged me as well. Again, it didn't help.

Neither of them said another word.

I thought, maybe they're waiting for me to say how I've been doing, they're waiting for me to reassure them that I'm fine. But I can't lie, I'm not fine.

"Th-Three nights, l-left?" I asked, unable to lift my head up. I haven't said a word for days and that must've been why I could barely hear my voice.

"Y-Yes." Gemma answered. "B-But n-now two."

I gulped down, I didn't have any words to say.

"Harry, we've been worried." Mum said.

I know that.

"Austin told us - w-we thought -"

"I'm not going to." I said, I'm already dead anyways. "Excuse me."

I walked pass them. Only then have I realised how gloomy the atmosphere was. The house was filled with the scent of candles and flowers -nowhere near her scent. There were people, some I didn't know and some very familiar. I walked upstairs, that was the only time I looked up as I don't want to see her inside a casket. I don't want to see her like she's just sleeping when I knew for a fact she isn't. . . I just don't want to see Taylor right now.

All it reminds me was the promises she can't keep, was the memories she can never make with me, was the life she will never have again.

I held my tears and went inside the room. I closed the door quietly behind me. The room, her room, unlike all the rest of the house smelled exactly like her. It was the familiar floral smell I always loved. . . and another reminder that I might not get to smell it again. I might not hear her voice again, not see her face again. . . not in this lifetime.

I closed my eyes, sitting on the floor with my back on the side of her bed. I kept my knees closed and I laid my head on my knee caps.

It's been days, and the reality never ceases to remind me. . . it never stops, time never made it less painful.

Taylor is gone. She's gone, she's gone. She went to the place where I can't follow. She's not here anymore. She's gone.

I cried, calling her name, saying I'm sorry because I wasn't there. "I can't do this, Tay. I'm going mad, I can't do this. You're not supposed to be gone. You shouldn't be."

By that time, I was already wet with my own tears, until, for the first time in days, fell asleep.

I leaned on the barriers, the same spot I've been days ago when they were talking to the doctor, now, the sight was different. I saw people, mostly wearing black come and go. At this position, I was thankful enough I couldn't see Taylor. I can't do that yet. Tonight is the last night, the last moments she'll be able to spend here, the last. . .

"Don't you want to see her?" I heard my sister's voice asking me. She's only a few feet away only I don't know from which direction.

I shook my head. "I can't."

"I understand." Gemma said. "No one will ever get over her, she's a miracle."

She sighed as she got no response from me. "After tomorrow, where do you want to go?"