Perfectly Unseen

23: uncontrollable and selfish

U n c o n t r o l l a b l e
and selfish
~+~+~+~

Friday.

A day I normally wanted badly to forget existed. A day I never wanted to come to pass. For obvious reasons, I very much disliked the day. You couldn't hide for forever and Friday was a reminder of that. It came like an unexpected -yet totally expected- slap on the face every week.

But today was different for three reasons.

1. Aunt Mel would be my saviour for three long days.
2. I would get to be with my sister for the entire weekend!
3. There was this really hot guy at school who called me his friend.

Suddenly, the fact that I punched Lucas yesterday, didn't scare me. In fact nothing scared me. I was untouchable with Liam as my friend. Maybe that was a foolish thought but I couldn't help the smile on my face as I walked into the school with two piping hot coffees in my arm -no, one wasn't for Liam.

Before going to Math class, I stopped by at biology, my bottom lip in between my teeth as I knocked on Mr S's door. I felt horrible for how I spoke to him. It wasn't fair to him at all.

"Oh! Ms Dawn, what brings you to my door this early?" He opened the door, startled to see me and the coffee being held out to him.

"I'm really sorry about yesterday. I was having a really horrible day and I was just so mad at everything. But that's no excuse and I should have never taken it out on you. You didn't deserve that and I just wanted to show you how sorry I feel for my inappropriate outburst. Please forgive me, I'm very sorry, Mr Sullivan." I finally took a breath as he took the hot beverage.

"Ailie, it's okay to get mad sometimes." He said, patting the top of my head, "But you shouldn't let things fester. You should get it out before you suddenly snap like yesterday. I've told you before, if you need someone to talk to, my door is always open." He smiled gently, "You're a good kid, Ms Dawn. Of course I forgive you. Just please try to remember what I said. It's not good to hold things in and next time you might hurt someone you love with your abrupt lash out." His brown eyes pointedly looked at me as I pursed my lips, contemplating his words.

I nodded slightly, "But how do I know when to get angry and when to hold back?" My cheeks blushed, I sounded so pathetic.

"Whenever you feel yourself getting angry, just take a deep breath and let that person know that you're getting mad at them. You don't have to suddenly yell at them; just letting someone know you're mad can be enough to make you release that feeling of wanting to strangle something." He laughed, ruffling my hair and messing my curls up, "Now get to the right class. I'll see you in Biology, Ms Dawn." Mr S dismissed me lightly, pushing me towards Math, "Thank you for the coffee, kid."

One down. Two to go.

Even if both two deserved what they got. I had to do this for myself. Not for them.

~+~+~

"What, you little bîtch?" Lucas sneered at me when I stood in front of his desk waiting for his attention.

I was very tempted to punch him again, remembering how helpless he had made me feel. But, using Mr S's methods, I took a deep breath.

"Lucas, I'm extremely mad at you." I let out, watching his eyebrows pinch together in confusion. "I was also very angry at you yesterday." I clenched my fists as his eyes narrowed at me, hatred piercing my skin like a million arrows all at once. "Even though you deserved it, I should have never hit you. And I'm sorry for calling you names. I shouldn't have lost my cool like that. So I'm sorry." I powered through it, my jaw tight as I ground my teeth together.

Despite the anger still boiling whenever I looked at him, as I made my way back to my seat, I felt better about myself. It was like a weight off of my chest. I wouldn't let my father turn me into something my mother- no, something I would be disappointed in. It wasn't strength that I had felt yesterday. It was anger. I would rather be weak than angry like that again; being that angry was uncontrollable and selfish, and that's just not something I was raised to be. Of course, that being said, it didn't mean I wouldn't try to stick up for myself. I just wouldn't do it because of sickening anger in my gut that made me hurt everyone no matter who they were.

"Don't think your little apology is going to save you." Lucas growled before I was out of earshot, "You, bîtch, are in a world of hurt when I get my hands on you --and they will be on you."

My skin crawled as I kept walking to my seat. I knew nothing would change. But it wasn't for him --that apology was for me. But I couldn't say I wasn't disappointed. Maybe Lucas really was too far gone to be reasoned with. And if that was true, I had never been more scared of someone before.