Perfectly Unseen

32: hell that was reality

H e l l
         that was reality
          ~+~+~+~

"Here, spoiled child," I pulled out my wallet, giving Rora the few bills that our father had left for us and a few more I had earned from work --which was currently in the middle of renovations and paid me biweekly for sitting on my ass at home.

"This is all dad's money, right?" She eyed me knowingly, pocketing the money. "I don't need this much, Ailie. I'm more excited about buying you new clothes."

"I'm quite happy with my closets contents back at home, Rora. And yup. All Jay's," I lied.

"Liar," she rolled her bright green eyes just as Melissa and Claire met up with us after their bathroom break, each sporting a smile of excitement.

"So Ailie, since I know you're not a fan of malls, here's what Claire and I were thinking," Aunt Mel began as we walked past the first few stores. "Since Rory and I enjoy the shoes and clothes buying part of shopping and you girls enjoy the book buying part, we should just split off for an hour or two and meet up at the movie theatre."

Bless her soul.

I looked at the little blonde on my right, the identical hazel eyes of her brothers meeting mine with hope. "Malls have book stores too?" I asked, genuinely surprised.

Claire instantly grinned, "Yes. There's this really old one towards the back that is filled with hidden gems. You're going to never want to leave." Her hand connected with mine as she hastily began to pull me through the crowd.

I looked back at Rora and Mel -growing smaller and smaller with the distance- and smiled sheepishly at them. Thank the universe for Claire. Although I had no doubt my sister would still buy me clothes --she always did when she went shopping because she knew I would be content with the old rags from middle school.

~+~+~

"Why did you stop visiting us?" Claire asked quietly as we piled our new books up on the table at the Starbucks Café inside of Chapters. "Did we do something wrong?" She looked down at her hands, picking at her rose coloured nail-polish anxiously.

"Oh, hunny, of course not." I grabbed her hand, smiling gently at her. "It was my fault." I bit my lip, watching her hazel eyes watch me curiously, without the sympathy I was so used to seeing from her mother.

"It felt like you and Aurora just dropped dead." She said bluntly, her cheeks growing red as she realized what she had just said. "Oh god, I'm sorry." Her voice squeaked out as she hid her ashamed face in her hands.

"It's okay, Claire." I comforted her with a twang in my chest. "After Maddie died-" my voice broke at my mothers nickname pathetically, "-we were all just going day by day in this...routine. That included visiting indirect family members on the proper times and dates." I explained, remembering the two years after the accident. We weren't really alive at all, just shadows of people of what once was -doing what was expected of us. "Then suddenly we unthawed and felt things we hadn't realized were there. We just...broke." I whispered through the thickness in my throat. "It was my decision for Aurora and I to stay away from you guys. I thought it would hurt more and we were both already in so much pain. I didn't want to risk her health --I couldn't lose her too."

Claire looked up at me with unshed tears in her big eyes, "I'm so sorry, Ailie. I can't imagine being in your place. It hurt so much having my aunt torn away from me --if it was my mom... I don't know what I would have done. Of course you were worried for Rory."

"It's okay, Claire." I forced a small smile, "We're trying. It's hard, but things like this happen all over the world. We're going to be just fine." I tried to convince her, but I knew it was far from the truth.

Every time I felt like it would be okay, Jay would do something or say something that would just bring me straight back to the hell that was reality. It was never going to get better; no amount of anything could make me feel better about my mothers death.

Shaking my head clear, I focused back on my little cousin, "There's no need to blame yourself. It might have taken a few years, but we finally truly felt what had happened." I convincingly told her with determination.

"I understand." She squeezed my hand, wiping her tears away. "Thanks for telling me, Ailie."

Curving my lips up into a carefree smile, I grabbed my bags off the table. "Anything for my little Cuz'. We should probably head towards the movies now; I'm sure Rora will text me in a few minutes." I had telepathic powers about these types of things when it came to my sister.

She nodded, following me out the door. "It wasn't your fault, you know." She whispered, taking hold of my hand.

I wish that was true.