Devotion

C4: Nightmares

I usually don't dream.

I just don't.

I let my worries run through my head, instead of letting them go. That's just what happens. But tonight I did dream.... I'm not sure if it was worth it though. It was one of the worst nightmares I'd ever had.

The wind was blowing through my face, as I turned to face Steve through the blistering snow. He was cold and frail, probably slowly dying inside from being out in the cold for so long. I stepped in closer to him to warm him, but he seemed distant... He looked at me with gray eyes that weren't his, he stared into my face with a longing glance, but I couldn't figure it out.

"Steve. Talk to me. What's going on Steve?"

He paused and tilted his head at me.

"Am I worth it?"

That was the only thing he whispered to me. I wracked my brain for answers, but I couldn't think... I was stuck.

"Worth what? What do you mean Steve?"

He blankly looked at me again, the wind blowing bits of snow into his pale face.

"Steve please..."

All I got was the sound of howling wind and cold shivers up my spine, as I reached out to grab his shoulder. A figure in a brown coat appeared out of the snow behind him and looked down at his feet before pulling something small and sharp out of his coat pocket. He looked up at me as well... with the haunting face of my father.

Then I stopped thinking straight at all. The knife from his hand cut through Steve's torso as I was left to catch him in disbelief. The blood drained from his body as I caught him in my arms and knelt softly into the snow. The heat from his body was fading as the first tear rolled down my face.

"St...Steve...No...No No."

His face remained lifeless as I glanced up at my father.

"WHAT DID YOU DO?" I scream at him with no tolerance.

"The boy was a distraction James."

"No! No he wasn't. He was the only thing I cared about! Why? Why do you hate me this much?!"

"You're not thinking clearly. If you don't get yourself together you're going to lose me for good James. You put him before us, you always have."

I looked down at Steve and started crying even more.

"Don't try to make things better again! You've already lost me, father."

He blew into the wind as Steve lay there motionless in my lap with the blood still staining the crystal snow.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Please Stevie. I'm sorry."

I rocked him in my lap as my tears started to wet his face.

"Come back..."

Nothing happened. I sat there with the wind blowing around us, shielding his body from the harsh weather.

"Please..."

My head fell into his chest as I closed my eyes and faded out of the blizzard.

********

When I woke up, the tears were still in my face. I hyperventilated as I looked around the room for Steve. My eyes scanned every corner, but he wasn't there.

"Steve?" I called out into the darkness.

No reply.

I threw the blanket off of me and paced around the room looking for him in the dark of night.

"Steve."

"Steve!"

"Steeveeeee...."

I ran over to the door and pulled it open.

"Steve!"

He stood there shaking his head, with his hand out to open the door. He looked up at me with questioning eyes.

"Hey Buck, relax, I was just in the bathro..."

I pulled his shoulders into mine and wrapped my arms around his back feeling his lively warmth again.

"You are worth it." I whispered into his blonde hair.

"Okay?" He whispered back, half questionably.

He wrapped his arms around my back and leaned his head into my shoulder, as I stood there still holding on to him for dear life. I couldn't see his face, but I felt his breathing again and I heard him inhale every breath. I stopped breathing, just to make sure I could hear that he still was. I let another tear slip down my face as I caught my breath and pulled my hand farther up his back, holding him tighter. He didn't move or even flinch as I remained to hug him.

"Are you okay Bucky?" He whispered in the dark silence of the doorway.

"I am now."

"Okay. What happened?"

"You died."

He let go and looked up at my face seeing the tears.

"I'm right here."

"I know.... I'm sorry.... I don't usually do this."

I pulled my hands up to my face and wiped off the tears. I was almost completely ashamed at myself for being so irrational. I wasn't thinking straight, I let my dream get the most of me, and now Steve probably thinks I'm crazy. He doesn't get to see much of "Emotional Bucky."

"It's okay. I understand."

"Thank you Steve. Sorry."

I left the doorway and paced my way back into his room, as he found his way back to his bed. I walked over to my spot again and sat down on my blanket. I found my fists trying to gauge my own face out.

"Why did you do that? You're so stupid. Ughhhhh." I whispered only loud enough for myself to hear.

I threw my head back against the floor and exhaled, staring at the ceiling again, afraid of falling asleep...

This is why I don't dream.