Devotion

C9: Alone

When I got home, I trudged up the porch in the dark and stepped inside my quiet house. The twins were in bed, as I assumed Caroline was too, but my mother was sitting by a small lamp in the living room reading a newspaper.

"Hello dear. Why did you come home? It's quite late."

"Sorry ma. I really just need to be alone right now." I whispered.

"Alright. Don't wake up the twins, they took forever to fall asleep."

"Yes ma."

I took the rail and started pulling myself up the stairs holding back tears. I looked down at my feet to refrain from freaking out. As I reached the last step I bumped into something which jumped back and looked at me. I looked up and saw Caroline in her pajamas rubbing her arm.

"Bucky?" She whispered.

"Hey Car."

I started walking towards our rooms as she followed me. I felt the dam inside me breaking again as the tears crept down my face.

"Are you okay? Why are you here?"

I walked into my room as I turned to welcome her in, she came in and turned the light on, revealing the tears on my face.

"Oh Bucky, what's wrong?"

She walked over to me and engulfed me in a hug as the drops fell on the top of her head. She held me tighter as I started sobbing again. I closed my eyes as she started letting go.

"What happened?"

I sat down on my bed and let my head fall.

"Steve... He... I think he almost died tonight."

She rushed over and sat at my feet, looking out into my room.

"That's awful, how?"

"I don't even know. Apparently something is wrong with him... He goes into coughing fits and then he stopped breathing... And this whole time I didn't even know."

I buried my head into my hands again and sat there, stressing myself out.

"Is he going to be okay?"

"I don't know. Sarah says he will, but I don't know. She told me to go home... All I wanted to do was stay."

I wiped the wetness from my face with my pillow as Caroline leaned her head against my bed.

"It's alright Bucky."

She sat by my side, even in the silence as I continued to process the fact that Steve wasn't here with me.

"Thanks Car. I knew you were probably supposed to be in bed right now."

"No it's okay I was just planning on how to sneak food from downstairs without getting caught."

I attempted a laugh as she smiled up at me.

"Want anything from the kitchen?"

"No I'm good. I'm gonna try to sleep... Not likely though."

"Alright well at least attempt for me?"

"Yeah." I whispered.

She walked out and turned my light off on the way out, leaving the door open. I heard her slip down the stairs and catch herself on the rail before thumping to get caught. I rolled my eyes and tossed around in my empty full sized bed.

"It's lonely without you Steve..." I whispered into the emptiness.

Small lights from outside would occasionally cast across my ceiling from the window, as I stared at each one that passed by.

Goodnight Steve Rogers.

Goodnight Bucky Barnes.

The silence killed me as I pictured last night in my mind. He was okay then... What happened? A few hours ago, he was a normal, eating, breathing, human being and now he's lying on a bed barely alive. Was it my fault? I knew that it wasn't... But it felt wrong if I didn't ask myself that.

I squeezed my eyes shut and flashes of me and him came rushing in. Images of him, in peace, smiling, laughing, with me.

But I didn't want the remembrance of them. I wanted to be there. I wanted them to be real.

I wanted Steve.