Learn to Love Again

On Love, Distance and Fears (Part 1)

Before she could even react, she felt Gerald’s body on top of her. They continued kissing… kissing like there’s no tomorrow. She felt his tongue fighting hers… she loved the sensation… she loved how he made her feel. And then he suddenly pulled away. “We better stop now or there would be no turning back for us,” he said and then laid down beside her.

A part of her was relieved for she still wasn’t sure if she was ready to fully give her whole self to him. But another part was somewhat disappointed.  Her mind was having a debate with itself about being with him. With what just happened, she now knew that something in him wanted it but was fighting it off. “You know that I love you, right?” she finally asked.

“Of course.”

“But I’m glad you stopped. I love you so much but I’m not sure about going that far yet. Pero honestly hindi ko rin sigurado kung kaya kong pigilan ka… at pigilan ang sarili ko ‘pag nandun na tayo,” she shyly said.

“You know what Ma, that’s all I need to know. Okay na sa akin na malaman na you feel the same way I do. Alam ko na that I won’t be one hundred percent rejected,” he said with a smirk.

“Meron ka pang nalalamang one hundred percent ha.”

“Pero seriously, you don’t have to worry about it. My love for you will never be based on that. “

“Thank you Da. Malay mo ‘pag ready na ako gulatin na lang kita,” she teased.

“Ha… ha… ha! I will be looking forward to that day.”

********

A few more weeks passed. He was already back in Manila. They decided to spend quality time together one Saturday afternoon. Since Cassie was having her bonding moment with her Lolo and Lola, they had the whole afternoon to themselves. His parents were out of the country at that time so he decided to just invite her over his house. They were in the middle of a movie marathon in his entertainment room when she brought up something that has been bugging her since she got the news.

“Da, Mark called me up a few days ago. He’s asking if Cassie can spend Christmas with him.”

“Can you stand to be that far away from Cassie? And during the Holidays? And whose gonna take her….” his voice trailed off. He looked at her.

She nodded as she understood what his look meant. “Yes Da, I will have to take Cassie.”

“How long will this trip be? And it’s supposed to be our first Christmas together,” he whined like a child.

“I know Da.”

“Does it really have to be Christmas? Hindi ba pwedeng during the summer break na lang?”

“Gusto lang daw n’ya makasama ‘yung anak n’ya this Christmas. First time daw kasi.”

He frowned some more and said, “I know I really don’t have a say in this so just let me sulk while taking it all in.”

“Ang OA mo naman.”

“It is our first Christmas together. I was thinking of some things to do with you and Cass. Hindi pala pwede.”

“Pwede pa naman eh. We can do whatever you plan to when we get back.”’’

“It won’t be the same. This is our first Christmas together. Naunahan pala ako ni Mark sa first-Christmas-together plans,” he said while making air quotes.

“Pagbigyan na lang siguro natin. This will be his first with Cassie but I’m pretty sure all others, in the future, will be spent with you,” she said while flashing him the sweetest smile.

He smiled at the sight and then hugged her. “Well, if you put it that way. At pasalamat ka I can never resist that smile of yours. Alam mo namang isa ‘yan sa mga weaknesses ko when it comes to you.”

She raised her head and gave him a peck on the neck. “Thank you.”

“So when are you leaving?”

“Well, mag-aaply pa lang kami ni Cassie ng visa. Pero if everything goes well, ang plano ay aalis kami ng second week of December. Sabi n’ya kung pwede raw ay after New Year na lang kami bumalik dito.”

“Pati pala New Year kanya rin,” he muttered under his breath.

“I heard that.”

“Eh kasi naman. Before Christmas nandun na kayo tapos gusto n’ya pati New Year nandun pa rin kayo.”

“Da naman. Syempre he wants to make the most of the trip. Hindi naman kami palaging makakavisit sa kanya eh.”

“Alam mo Ma, kung gugustuhin n’ya ay kaya n’yang gawin ‘yun. Kahit every Christmas ay pwede n’ya kayong kunin,” his voice sounding a bit irritated.

“Eh bakit ka nagagalit?”

In a calmer voice he replied, “Hindi naman ako nagagalit. Nagseselos lang ako na pwedeng-pwede n’yang gawin ‘yun… just like that… just because he was first in your life… just because he’s Cassie’s dad. Eh ako… even if I become the best dad for Cassie, I will never have that kind of right. Kahit anong gawin ko, s’ya pa rin ang may unang karapatan sa inyong dalawa.”

She sensed the bitterness in his voice. She wasn’t sure if her smile can make it go away this time. She took a deep breath before trying to give him an answer. She removed herself from his embrace and turned her body to be facing him. “Da… may problema ba tayo? How long have you been feeling this way?”

“For some time now. Don’t get me wrong. Masaya ako that Mark is keeping his promise to be part of Cassie life. Tatay s’ya kaya dapat gawin n’ya ‘yun. But as he becomes part of her life, he is becoming part of your life again. You are in very good terms with him now and it scares the crap out of me. Baka magising na lang ako isang araw na hindi lang pala si Cassie ang nakuha n’ya, pati pala ang pagmamahal mo.”

She leaned forward and kissed him, making sure to pour all her love for him in that kiss. She pulled away for a moment to say, “I don’t love him anymore. Ikaw na ang mahal ko… ikaw lang.” And then she went back to kissing him but this time her lips had moved to his ear, under it and down to the side of his neck. This elicited a moan from him. And in between kisses she told him, “You are all I want. I am already looking forward to my life with you.”

“Ma…” he said almost breathless.

She stopped again and this time held his face with both her hands. “Please don’t ever think that he can take us away from you. Mahal na mahal ka namin ni Cassie. Hindi mo lang alam how you made our lives complete just by being here. Hindi mo kami kailangang dalhin sa Amerika o kahit saang bansa para lang masiguradong hindi kami mawawala sa ‘yo. Mark needs to do more than that para makuha n’ya ang pagmamahal namin para sa ‘yo. Ang laki ng hahabulin n’ya para maabot kung anuman ikaw sa amin ni Cassie ngayon. Hindi ko alam what other assurance I can give you pero sana just trust me...”

“Marry me,” he blurted out.