Liberate • Harry Styles

sixteen.

"Where do I start?" I asked the doctor, my eyes scanning her face.

"Anywhere you'd like. Why don't we start with your childhood, your happy memories of your father."

The words 'your father' stung me like a cut. Any mention of him since I was 12 was redirected, subject changed, conversation over. It was hard for me to address even the happy memories. I swallowed and decided to start with my earliest memory. It was the easiest one for me, the one where my entire family was happy and all together.

"When I was about five, my father took me to the horse show." I smiled at the memory, tears welling up in my eyes before I blinked and forced them away. This is why I didn't do this kind of thing. "It was the happiest time of my life. We always went to horse things together. He knew that was my favourite animal. He was the one who took me riding and sat through the dressage portion of the Olympics.

Anyway, the horse show only came to our city once a year and we'd always make a day of it. Get lunch or dinner at a fancy restaurant, and go to see the horses. We weren't rich, so the seats we had weren't that great. But I didn't care. Just being in that atmosphere, watching the horses, it was our thing. That was the start of our yearly tradition, and I remember the first one like it was yesterday."

"Do you think you were closest with your father when you were younger?" The doctor asked sweetly.

"I think so, yeah. My mother was always the gentler one, into arts and crafts and such. My father liked to go on adventures, travel, see the world." I laughed, recounting a memory. "We used to go on these wild adventures through the little forest in our local park. He'd bring this huge backpack filled with fruit gummies and flashlights and blankets and we'd find a clearing to eat our snacks. It was like a small camping trip - I felt like I was so cool."

"Are there any other memories, maybe some as you got older?" Dr. Arrow asked, scribbling something on her pad.

"Just bad ones." I blinked rapidly, trying to deter any tears trying to force their way to the surface.

"Can I ask of what?"

"My mother trying to help him, to make him happy." I could feel the darkness close in on me. My chest began to feel heavy and I could feel small twinges of pain in my heart. I hated this feeling.

"Why?"

"Because he had bad depression." I said meekly, not having told anyone other than Alice of my father's condition.

"I thought you said he was happy?" The doctor asked me. She seemed genuinely concerned.

"When he was happy, boy he was the happiest person on the planet." I explained, and I allowed a single tear to fall down my cheek. "But on his off-days, they were so bad. He'd lie in bed and not want to get up. I used to lie down with him and say, 'Daddy, let's go see the horses. The horses, daddy. They'll make you happy.' And he'd burrow deeper under the covers and mumble something about taking me tomorrow. Sometimes he wouldn't get out of it for a few days."

I stopped, realizing I had allowed a few more tears to stain my cheeks. Dr. Arrow nodded and smiled reassuringly. "Go on, Violet. You're doing amazingly well for your first session."

I wiped my cheek and sniffled. "Yeah, um...well his few bad days turned into bad couple weeks. And soon he would only come out a day or so a month, and it was like it was all back to normal. And he'd take me to the movies, or out for dinner and promise we'd do it again the next day. But when I woke up, there he'd be, back in bed again. It got so bad that my mother stopped me from seeing him until he was better. I swore I didn't see him at all in the last three months before his death. And then...then..."