The Crap Hetalia Book

The British Empire

England groaned as the alarm blared and slammed his hand on top of it. He rolled out of bed, yawned, stretched and padded out into the hallway to make his way downstairs. It was seven a.m., one of the few quiet times there was in the house. But of course... Canada was always awake at first light, making pancakes in the kitchen, his bear padding around the stool he stood on.

"Morning" England grumbled, filling up the kettle and getting out a mug.

Canada nodded acknowledgement and placed a plate in front of him. There was a noise by the stairs and a small intake of breath followed by a mutter of 'ow'. England sighed and peered out of the door. Sealand sat at the bottom of the stairs, rubbing the back of his head and muttering under his breath.

"What the devil were you doing you twat?" England glared at him as he picked himself up and brushed dust off his knees.

"I was coming downstairs" Sealand said. "And I tripped. It's not my fault. You're alarm woke me up. It went on for longer today and it was louder for some reason."

He slowly stood up, wavered about on his feet a little, dizzy, and then collapsed backwards into a polished wood Welsh dresser. The plates leaned against the back shuddered before falling off it and smashing open on the ground.

"No" England made a feeble attempt to catch one of the plates and watched as it shattered. "Damn it."

"S... sorry" Sealand muttered, standing up properly and looking down at his feet sheepishly.

England took a deep breath of fault. "It's fine. Mattie's made breakfast. Go have something to eat."

Sealand nodded and slunk off. Feet sounded from upstairs and England groaned. Great. They were awake now too. America appeared at the top of the stairs first, followed by New Zealand, Australia with Wy on his shoulders, Hong Kong, India and Seychelles.

"Woah dude, what happened?" America stared at the mess.

"Peter knocked the dresser" Canada said, but was ignored. He sighed and went back into the kitchen.

"Nothing that concerns you" England hissed. "Unless you want to volunteer to clean this mess up?"

America shook his head violently. "But... I think Leon wants to." He vanished back upstairs, leaving Leon, his mouth opening and closing rapidly but nothing coming out other than faint noises.

"Don't worry" England shook his head. "I'll clean it up. Breakfast is on the table."

The younger nations nodded and slipped through into the kitchen, which erupted into shouting. England went back in to finish off making his tea and get the dustpan and brush. As he stood up from getting it out of the cupboard, a bottle of maple syrup sailed over his head, leaving a fine line of the stuff across his hair.

"The syrup" Canada whispered.

"It was... um... it was... um... Toby."

"That's not fair Wendy. You know it had nothing to do with me. Logan?"

"What?" Australia jumped and stared at New Zealand and Wy. "Um... yeah. Totally."

"I don't care who did it, just someone please clean it up" England took a deep breath and went to sweep up the plates. Today was just going to be one of those days wasn't it? One of those horrible days where everything just went wrong. It was okay though. The only way it could get worse now, was if his brothers turned up. He looked expectantly towards the door and sighed when the bell didn't ring.

"Can I have a fish?" Seychelles pulled on his arm. "Can I? They're pretty and calming and... I'd feed it and clean it out I promise. Can I?"

"We'll see about it" England said, knowing full well it meant no. "It depends how good you are in the next few weeks Michelle."

She nodded and he swerved round her trying to get to the door. The sooner the plates were sweeped up the better.

"Hey Arthur?"

He turned round to see India stood behind him with a book. There wasn't a title, or noticeable pages for that matter, the whole thing being a dark blue in colour.

"Could you help me with something?"

England blinked and then nodded. "Sure, what is it?"

India grinned, eyes lighting up and flicked open the book. Instantly, England's heart sank. It was full of numbers. Not letters, numbers and symbols and formulae. Of course, what should he have expected? The boy was a maths genius.

"Although, do you really need my help?" he tried. "I mean, you're much better at this than I ever was. I might not be able to help."

India looked crushed for a split second before grinning again. "That's fine. It doesn't matter if you don't get it either."

England withheld a sigh and glanced down at the page India had flicked to. There was a picture of a heard of sheep with various numbers written on the sides. Above, a formula of some kind asked what 'x' was. He had no clue, so shook his head, defeated.

"Sorry chap, can't help you there."

India nodded. "That's fine."

He was about to close the book before New Zealand appeared.

"It's a sheep" he cried.

"What's a sheep?" Australia appeared next to him. "Hey, don't you think that Toby looks a little like a sheep?"

"Oh yeah" America ran over and poked New Zealand's hair. "His hair's all curly like a ram's horn things."

"I don't look like a sheep" he cried.

"Stop being mean Logan" Wendy said, clambering onto Australia's back.

England sighed and wandered off. He didn't care about the plates anymore, he just wanted a couple of monies peace. What was he thinking taking on so many young nations at once?

There was a creak if floorboards to his right and he glanced down. Hong Kong stood next to him, fiddling with his hands and looking down at the floor.

"Um... I was wandering if... um... I could possibly... um... see Yao again?"

Anger boiled at the back of England's throat but he held it down. Hong Kong was only young. He didn't understand yet.

"Listen" he said, crouching down next to him. What was he going to say? Hundreds of words built up against his tongue against the Chinese bastard... but to go against everything he'd been taught by his mentor would be going a little too far.

"Yao is... going through some difficulties at the moment..." he started.

"Since you declared war on him" Hong Kong said bluntly.

England nodded. "Yes. Since that. He was struggling to look after all of you so I'm helping by bringing up you okay?"

"Did he not want me?" Hong Kong blinked at him innocently.

'Yes, he hated all of you and wasn't raising any of you properly' England mentally screamed.

"Of course he didn't hate you" he said against his will. "He just... needed help."

Hong Kong nodded. "So... can we go and visit him?"

England shook his head, refusing to meet his sank expression. "Not today."

Before he could be asked when, he turned and left the room. Sealand was sat at the bottom of the stairs, playing with a piece of pot.

"Peter, you're going to cut yourself" England scolded, picking him up and moving him away from the pot as gently as possible.

Sealand stared as though only just noticing he was there and then nodded.

"Go get some breakfast"

He went into the kitchen, noise exploding out of the door for a second before it closed again. England sighed for what had to be the third time that morning... not hat he was counting.

Today was just going to be one of those days...

Okay, just so everyone knows, I have no idea when this is set or how old they all are. It was just an idea of mine XD