midnight man (joshler)

chapter ten/you could never

i added this song to this chapter bc every time i mention rain i think about it and also i mentioned elliot moss in the beginning of this story but never showed you guys his shit so yEah here ya go that's the song i wrote them out to be listening to in the car
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chapter ten/you could never

i watch the raindrops roll down the outside jack's bedroom window.

the constant movement soothes me. i feel more peaceful as they roll. more in control. even though, i am truly nowhere near in control. i don't know who is anymore. everything seems ready to fall apart. perhaps it already has.

i recount the man. i focus on the details. i push them down. i resurface them. i block them out. my mind fights against itself, trying to make sense of what i saw. but there is no sense in what i saw.

i saw tyler.
you didn't.

those were his eyes out there in those woods.
plenty of people have tired, brown eyes josh. ever visited tumblr? have you read a poem? tired, brown eyes are in right now.

i know what i saw.
you don't. not really.

it was him.
it wasn't.

it had to have been.
you're only fooling yourself.

am i crazy?
are you?

"josh."

rian makes me jump as he touches my shoulder. he's standing next to me now. i try and hide the terror i feel inside.

"i don't know what happened at that party, but you need to snap out of it okay? jack's a mess."

i nod, glancing behind me at the crumpled boy in the corner. he looks worse than me.

and he's sane.

i wrap my arms around myself, feeling vulnerable. i sit on the floor in front of jack. rian settles next to me. he taps jack lightly on the knee. jack raises his head from where he holds it in his hands.

"tell josh what happened."

"alex came to the party," he states, tears filling his eyes but never falling.

"i'm sorry, man," i shake my head, silently vowing to kick alex gaskarth's ass.

"he brought his whore," rian spits.

jack's eyes flicker toward him, pain resting on his face. he shakes his head at rian, who apologizes immediately. he turns his gaze back to the ground.

"she's so nice, josh," he laughs, sniffling. "she is so like him. they're perfect for each other. she is everything i can't be."

the silence in the room conveys all emotion in that moment. the feeling of understanding fills the air. it's a heavy moment, because there is not one person who doesn't get it. the memories hurt. the feeling hurts. rian and i move closer to jack, laying every body part we have against his in some way. my head lays across his chest, rian's against his knee. and we lay there, trying to find the words to say we understand. but sometimes, there aren't enough words in the whole world to convey such a thing. so we stay silent.

||

i arrive to an empty gas station. i scowl at this, immediately taking my phone out of my pocket and calling mark. to my utter dismay, it goes straight to voicemail. what an ass.

i sigh, slamming my head down on the counter. it's eleven fifty, and the thought of the next ten minutes passing by makes me want to throw up. i have played and replayed the moments of the strange man at the party every second since i left the party. the eyes. the eyes make me want to crawl inside myself and never crawl back out. they were tyler's. i'm sure of it. i'm not.

i shift, for once, focusing instead on the glinting object. i cannot fathom what it must have been. my thoughts go to a phone. but what substance could drip off such a thing.

"am i interrupting?"

speak of the devil and he shall appear.

i lift my head up, silently cursing time for moving too damn fast. i force a smile on my face as i shake my head.

"you could never."

if he can tell the words are dripping with falseness, he doesn't say anything.

"so, how was your party?" he asks, beaming at me.

and, fuck, he's so cute. i know right then and there those were not his eyes. those eyes were threatening, and dared me to come closer. these eyes could never hold such a look.

"i got high out of my mind," i laugh.

"joshua dun!" he gasps.

it's sincere surprise, i note. if he'd been standing in the woods that night, he would have already known i was high. that's all the proof i need.

"i know, i know," i giggle.

"well..." he leans in closer, as if sharing a secret. "did you enjoy it?"

i lean in as well. "hell. yes."

he throws his head back in laughter, and i watch all the evidence of sleepless nights leave his face. his stress vanishes in the moment he laughs, and i wonder how i could possibly be convinced this boy is capable of what? murder? stalking? being an all around terrible person? as if, josh.

"why are you staring at me?" he asks, eyebrow quirked upward.

"you're purdy," i shrug, glancing at the television hanging off the wall in the corner of the store.

"well-"

"holy shit," i cut him off, turning up the volume as i catch sight of a news report.

tyler turns around to watch too, and at first i don't notice the color leave his face.

"... age twenty-two, kellin quinn was found dead by an elderly couple going on a stroll down the ohio river. the police have reported there were heavy weights tied to each of his four limbs in an attempt to keep his body submerged. a full murder investigation will be opened next monday, in a civil effort to give the family time to grieve," the news reporter says.

my hands start to tremble. the man in the van. the one at the party. the same...? tyler...? couldn't be. he couldn't be the one in the van. he was inside the store. he came out a minute later. is he involved? was he at that party? just enough time to commit a murder.

"did they mention a time of death?" i ask shakily, already reaching for the remote to rewind.

"no, josh," he whirls immediately, knocking the remote out of my hand.

my eyes are wide. i don't move. he seems to realize what he's done and shakes his head.

"i'm sorry, i- i have to go," he blinks, not meeting my eyes.

i don't say a word, simply watching him take the soda can he didn't pay for and walk away. part of me hopes he doesn't ever come back. the rest of me hopes he didn't kill anyone. a small part of me hopes he did.

my mind shuts off.

i don't want to think anymore.