midnight man (joshler)

chapter thirteen/its not your fault

warning; this is kinda smutty but mainly not because i couldn't really commit so i wrote it in that vague, artsy 'you know they're having sex but you also don't because im too pretentious to describe it'

chapter thirteen/its not your fault

i sit motionless in the backseat of rian's chevy.

he sends me worried glances in the rearview mirror, while jack sits next to me, gripping my hand comfortingly. comforting to him or to me, i don't know. i can't bring myself to feel grateful because i can't bring myself to feel much of anything.

is this the drugs? it can't be. it's been too long since they entered my system. they'd be gone now.

you've always been crazy.
the voices in my head like to yell at me lately.

i ignore them, mostly. except for one. one whispers soothingly, telling me it's okay to be like this. that i need time to heal. that the person who will heal me is tyler joseph.

i have no way of contacting him. he's never left me a phone number, and he hasn't shown up to the gas station since kellin quinn's murder went public. i bite my lip, contemplating the only option i appear to have left.

"take me to hays & knights," i say, my voice sounding hollow even to my own ears.

"what?" rian asks, teeth grit and knuckles turning white around the wheel.

"josh, you don't have to see him," jack murmurs, rubbing circles against my palm.

i had told them everything while we were still at school. i could tell by their not-so-secret glances at each other they thought i was overreacting. maybe i am. this is how i fix it.

"i want to," i state.

"your funeral," rian shrugs, redirecting the car.

||

"call us if you need us," rian gives me a small smile.

"are you sure we shouldn't just wait outside?" jack asks uneasily.

"i'll be fine," i wave them off, climbing out of the car.

"be careful," jack yells out the window  as rian peels out of the parking lot.

i puff up my cheeks, trying not to regret this. i could walk up to the gas station, i don't have to do this. i bite my lip. i'm afraid of what awaits me.

you want to do this.

summoning every ounce of courage i have, i knock three times on the door. a small whimper escapes me as a shuffling begins behind the door. suddenly, it's opening and it's much too late to take this back.

i can't figure out if my brain is happy or terrified to see tyler standing there. his hair looks ruffled, less in a purposeful way and more in a way that insinuates he could no longer be bothered to fix it anymore. his ever-present dark circles underneath his eyes have become more apparent if that's even possible. his beautiful brown eyes are puffy, and they're just slightly bloodshot as he watches the ground. i watch him sniffle. he hasn't looked up yet, so i clear my throat.

"sorry, i- josh?" i watch an entire picture show of emotions pass over his face.

"tyler," i sigh, impulsively moving forward to wrap my arms around him.