midnight man (joshler)

chapter twelve/i havent been well lately

trigger warning as fuck for an EMOTIONAL/MENTAL/NERVOUS breakdown and CUTTING i love u guys stay safe.

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chapter twelve/i havent been well lately

i don't sleep for four days.

i can't shake the eyes. i can't stop imagining all the glowing eyes. i want to cry every day. i try to slice the memories out of me but i can't. the blood just makes me think of the glinting object. the substance that dripped off it. it looks identical. i don't let my brain connect those dots, though. i know if i thought about it... i don't know what i'd do. i'd lose it. i already am.

i spend my nights researching kellin quinn. i study his life story. i study his death story. my blood runs cold at the autopsy statement. the coroner puts his time of death between 1 and 3 in the morning.

JUST ENOUGH TIME TO COMMIT A MURDER.

"stop!" i scream out, lashing out into the air.

"holy fucki- josh, calm down, it's me!" matt shakes my shoulder roughly.

i open my eyes to find an entire classroom staring at me blankly. i blink repeatedly, willing my body to calm down. once i feel like my heart won't literally pop out of my chest, i open my mouth to speak.

"i'm sorry - i'm so sorry. i haven't been well lately. could i please see the nurse? i think i need to lay down...it's the murder you know?" i flash puppy dog eyes to my teacher, praying he'll pity me enough to let me go.

"of course, josh," he sighs, waving me off sympathetically. "have mr. healy take you down."

matt glances at me wearily, standing with his arms partly outstretched to catch me. i shake my head at him, trying to silently communicate that it's not necessary. he doesn't listen, placing a hand on the small of my back and guiding me out.

once in the hall, i step away from him.

"get me out of here," i instruct, shoving past him in the opposite direction.

"josh, wait," he grabs my wrist, whirling me back to him.

"what?" i snap.

"look, you've been weird since the party and i'm worried it's my fault," he looks down at his feet.

"why would it be your fault?"

you didn't kill anyone.

did he?

"i, uh, found out that the weed halsey gave us wasn't um..."

"spit it out matt."

"it wasn't well... pure, i guess is the word i'm looking for. it was laced, j," he wears an apologetic expression, but i can't fathom why this would be of any importance to me.

"okay...?" i question.

"it can, uh, make you see things that really just aren't there at all. creates some haunting-ass memories, i can tell you from experience. it also makes you paranoid afterwards. it's crazy and - face it josh you've been acting crazy," he bites his lip, trying to gauge my reaction.

i rock back on my heels, processing everything just dealt to me. was there a man at the party at all? was my suspicion of it being tyler completely developed under the influence? am i crazy? i rub at my face tirelessly, suddenly feeling completely out of my element. my mind feels one more murder away from exploding.

"josh? are you okay?" matt touches my shoulder comfortingly.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" i recoil immediately, a high-pitched screech escaping me before i can help it. i tremble, quickly trying to move away from him. i end up falling on the ground while he tries desperately to ask if i'm okay. i crawl away from him, scooting myself into a small ball in the corner of the hallway. i begin to rock myself back and forth, tears welling up in my eyes. i fight the urge to cry, simply letting out small whimpers and grabbing fistfuls of my hair. what is wrong with me? why is this happening?

"josh, who do i call? who knows how to fix this, tell me josh," matt squats down in front of me, tapping my knees repeatedly.

"j-jack, jack, jack get jack," i cry, shivering intensely.

"okay, josh i'll get him."

his voice comes from underwater. my thoughts drown out into piercing screams, the same moments replaying themselves over and over again. tyler's dark stare as he realizes i won't tell him i trust him. the way his voice drops menacingly as he suggests i leave. the way he turned as i reach-

JUST ENOUGH TIME. the eyes the eyestheeyestheeyestheyrewatchingjoshtheyrewatchingmeLEAVEMEALONELEAVEMEALONEPLEASESTOP WHAT DID I DO?

"josh," they're shaking me now.

the man follows me in the van. he's targeting me i know it. he drives up and down my street at night, just to let me know he's out there.

"pick him up - pick him up!"

he'sgoingtokillmeimgoingtodie. ineedtosurvivehowdoisurviveicaN'T S U R V I V E.

"j, come on, snap out of it."

JUST ENOUGH TIME.

"please, josh."

COMMITAMURDERHEWILLKILLYOUYOU'REDEADJOSH

"come on, help!"

KILL YOURSELF BEFORE HE KILLS YOU .

"DAMMIT JOSH!"

a hard slap is what pulls me back to the surface. i gasp, bringing a hand up to cup the burning sensation on my cheek. rian's eyes find mine, and i see the fear in them. i'm scaring everyone. i want to scream. everything seems worthy of a scream.

"i'm okay," i nod, even as i feel myself give in to the tears.

"no you aren't," jack's voice cracks as he pulls me toward him, his own tears evident in the sound.

i shake my head, sobbing into his chest. rian's hand rubs comforting circles into my spine. a dark part of my mind thinks about kellin. what would rian and jack look like drowning at the bottom of the ohio river? i start to shake at the thought. i don't want to think anymore.