midnight man (joshler)

chapter fourteen/why can't you sleep

chapter fourteen/why can't you sleep

waking up next to tyler brings waves of relief that i haven't felt in weeks.

"morning, dunshine," he smiles lazily.

he's lying entirely underneath me, my head on his chest and feet tangled with his. his hair is fluffed upwards and i can't help myself from reaching out to play with it. the light in the library's back window hits his face serenely, giving him a pleasant glow.

"enough with the puns," i stick out my tongue, standing up to stretch.

"aw, but they fit you so well," he pouts.

my heart flutters.

"i need to tell you something on total impulse because it stresses me out and i want you to know," i mumble quickly.

"you can tell me anything," he grabs my hand, grinning at me.

"i love you," i murmur.

i feel him freeze. i hear his sharp intake of breath. i see his hesitation.

"josh, no you don't," he shakes his head, sitting up slowly.

"yes i do," i nod, heart falling to the pit of my stomach.

"you can't love me," he insists.

"why can't i?" i frown.

"because i'm not the type of guy that lovely boys like you fall in love with," he looks up at me again, and i see tears reflected in his eyes.

i sit next to him immediately, and intertwine his fingers with mine. "tyler you're exactly the kind of guy boys like me fall in love with."

"no, josh, i'm not a good person," he pulls his hand away from me.

"why aren't you?" i ask, my blood running cold.

is he-

"there's so much you don't know, j," his eyes close tightly.

"then tell me."

he stands up abruptly, pacing the room while suddenly fueled by a certain frustration i don't understand.

"what the hell do you want from me? i'm just some loner fuck who can't sleep at night josh. how in the world is that a lovable quality to you?" he turns on me, eyes alight with anger.

"because that's not all you are. there's nothing wrong with you, ty. it's just insomnia, sweetie, calm down," i walk over to him, and place my hands gently on his shoulders.  he doesn't look at me; just shakes his head with a muffled cry.

"it's not 'just insomnia'. i'm scared to fall asleep josh, i wake up from involuntary naps terrified that my life has fallen apart. it's been like this for ten years and it's not stopping any time soon."

"why can't you sleep?"

he takes several deep breaths, sliding his back down the wall. he tucks his knees into his chest and snakes his arms around them. he looks like an upset kid, wet eyes and a crumpled expression. 

"when i was eight, my mom wanted me to set the table for her new boyfriend," he starts hollowly.

"i was really tired josh. i went to bed early that night, without setting the table. i woke up from a bad dream around midnight, and i was crying and i wanted my mom, like all kids do, you know?"

i nod weakly, wondering where he's going with this.

"when i walked in..." his breaths get shallow as he fights through his tears. "all i can remember is her blood. her blood was everywhere. the metallic smell stung my nose. it was splattered against the walls and her eyes were just... they were wide open josh. they were full of fear and... they never caught him. the case went unsolved. they didn't even try. all they had to do was look."

"i've been afraid to fall asleep ever since."

sobs wrack freely through him as he continuously tells me it was all his fault, he did this to her. my heart shatters in two as i move to cradle him against my chest. i whisper soothingly in his ears, begging him to stop saying that he did it.

"tyler you were just a kid. you were tired, it wasn't your fault," i shake my head. "baby, it was some evil asshole and he won't get you, okay? i promise."

"he got k-kellin," he argues.

"he won't get you."

"what if he gets you?" he asks me, tears miraculously all gone.

for a moment i tense, scared of what he means. is that a threat or is he really scared? it fades quickly. god dammit josh. he tells you he saw his mother's murdered corpse and you think he's gonna kill you? the fuck is wrong with me?

"he won't get me because i'm yours to have."

"that's not what i mean," he says, but he smiles anyway.

"but it's what i want you to know."

"josh?"

"yes?"

"i love you too."

"good because honestly it was getting awkward having you not say it for so long," i grin goofily, secretly ecstatic.

"shut up, i had a moment to get through," he laughs, sniffling slightly.

the laughter fades and a comfortable silence fills the room.  "i missed you j."

"i missed you too," i murmur earnestly, placing a kiss on his nose.

"don't leave me again. i promise i'm not a murderer," he hugs me.

"i believe you."

"do you really?" he asks, bewildered.

"yup. you're too much of a softie to kill anyone," i nudge his shoulder playfully.

"oh, the things you don't know about me josh dun," he grins, laughing.

"will you let me find out?" i raise an eyebrow.

"well, only if i get your secrets in return," he shrugs.

"you got yourself a deal mr. joseph," i extend my hand to him.

he looks at me in disbelief at my joke, shaking it while he laughs. he grips it, and pulls me forward suddenly, his lips quickly pressing to mine.

"mm," he hums against my lips. "i could get used to doing this whenever i want."

i grin in response, catching his lips with mine again. he relaxes against me, happy hums escaping him every once in a while.

"tyler it's hard to kiss you when you murmur things every other second," i laugh, pulling back.

"joshua dun, i wanted you the moment i stepped into that dumb gas station for the first time. i can not hold back my excitement for everything that is currently happening right now," he narrows his eyes, tugging me back against his mouth.

i smile against his lips, pushing him back against the floor.