New Drug

Chapter 4

Forgetting was not an easy task. Not when Hayley was everywhere. Literally.

She was there in Physics, sitting at the front, looking as focused as ever. She was there in Chemistry, looking interested in the words the teacher spoke. During lunch she sat so near that I could catch glimpses of her conversations and that left me yearning. Despite everything, I really wanted her.

I was in Chemistry and I realized I was staring at Hayley. It was a terrible habit that I couldn't stop. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't.

I didn't know why. Hayley hated me. She was pretty, but not the prettiest. Her attitude wasn't very attractive and I knew we'd probably have nothing in common. But still, I only thought of her. My eyes would only follow her and slowly, I was losing my mind. I didn't understand why I was so drawn to her.

Putting my head in my hands, I begged myself to stop. I wanted to stop thinking about her, but I couldn't. I just couldn't and I groaned loudly, causing a few people to look at me. Hayley didn't even notice and I knew she couldn't care less about me. That surprisingly hurt.

    Lifting my head up, I told myself to stop. Caring about someone sucked. Love itself was too painful and Mom was all I needed. But yet, Hayley was still all I could think about for an entire hour, despite knowing these things.

*****

    After also staring at her during Physics class, lunch finally came. I was sitting at my table with Carter and I was hoping Hayley wouldn't come to the cafeteria today. Wishing that was futile, but after wasting so much time staring at her, I couldn't take it. I just needed her out of my system.

    Carter was talking to me and I tried listening. As he told me about his dog, I tried to listen attentively, but my eyes were on Hayley's table. Dylan sat there and he was alone, and I knew he was waiting for Hayley. From how his eyes darted around the cafeteria, I knew he was searching for her.

    So was I. But my eyes stayed at the spot she usually sat at, waiting for her to fill it. It was nerve wracking, but I just couldn't help it.

    Soon she did and I let out a groan. Carter stopped talking and I stared at Hayley, watching as she smiled shyly at Dylan. They immediately began to talk animatedly and my heart dropped. It stung and I knew what the feeling was. It was jealousy.

    "You're staring at her," Carter said. "As usual."

    "I know," I said harshly. "I can't help it."

    I looked at Carter and sighed, seeing the surprise look on his face. Guilt filled me, but I was frustrated. So angry that this girl seemed to be consuming me. It didn't make sense and I shouldn't be feeling this way. Being unable to control it sucked.

    "Sorry," I said quietly. "I just... I don't know what's wrong with me."

    "It's okay." Carter put a hand on my shoulder and gave me a sad smile. "Cupid's arrow seems to have struck you."

    "Fucking Cupid," I muttered unpleasantly.

    My eyes went to Hayley one last time and I shook my head. I was struck at such a horrible time. I was attached to a horrible person. This seriously couldn't be happening.

    "I'm not coming to Calculus," I said, forcing my eyes back to Carter. "I'm going to smoke and forget about this stupid... Feeling."

    "Go ahead and try." Carter looked amused, earning him a dirty look from me. "'Feelings don't go away that easily."

    I didn't reply to that as I hoped he was wrong. They needed to go away. This wasn't something I wanted to deal with when everything else in my life was finally calming down.

*****

    I sat on top of my car and all I could think about was Hayley. The small, adorable blonde girl was all I could think about. Even when I was high, she was on my mind.

    When you're high, your feelings seem to numb. All of the bad feelings especially, almost disappear. But this feeling, whatever it was, was enhanced. It was flooding through me and as I closed my eyes, I felt this odd warmth at the thought of Hayley.

    I was calm for once. Not anxious or worried or stressed. Even though I realized how I felt for this girl, I felt oddly at peace with it. Probably because I knew that I couldn't just erase this feeling overnight.

    I liked Hayley and that wasn't going to change. Even though it didn't make sense and it was pointless, I wanted this girl I knew nothing about. My body craved for hers and my heart yearned for hers. This feeling was completely new to me, but it was real and I was admittedly screwed.

   Shaking my head, I regretted not being in class with her. She was probably with Dylan and that left me tensing, knowing she was awfully close with him. I had also seen the way he looked at her and that itself left a bitter taste in my mouth. But she was free to want who she wants and I knew I shouldn't care. It was pointless.

    But at the same time, I didn't want to be heartbroken. Not when I knew how it looked to be heartbroken from a close up view. It was ugly and depressing, and I never wanted to feel that feeling. So because of that, I devised a plan.

   To get over someone, you had to get to know them. You had to see their flaws and realize there's nothing special, and that was what I had to do. Somehow I had to get Hayley to go on a date with me and from that, I would learn that she wasn't worth it. She wasn't someone I would have feelings for. That way, she'd finally be out of my system.

    That way, I could go back to caring about Mom and I only. Things should only be that way, so I knew I needed to act fast.