New Drug

Chapter 12

I was fighting my addiction. It was a constant war between the urge to smoke and the urge to make everyone proud, and I wished I could say that the latter was winning. But the truth was, that wasn't the case. Quitting something you depended on for years was hard. Especially when you were psychologically addicted to it.

Two weeks had passed since Mom and I talked, and I was exhausted. Tired because after quitting, I hadn't been getting much sleep. I didn't know why, but I just couldn't close my eyes and let sleep consume me. Instead, I'd just stay in bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking about life. Of my past specifically, which was never a good thing.

   I was dragging myself outside of school now, wanting to be alone as my head ached from lack of sleep. I doubted I could pay attention in class with my exhaustion and thoughts of the past and drugs, so I had decided to skip. As I climbed onto my car, I thought of my past.

    With a lot of spare time now, I constantly thought about Dad. I wasn't sure why since he was in jail and would be there for twenty years, but I did. And while I did, I would feel both depressed and angry.

    It hurt to know that I didn't have a real dad. I never had those father-son moments like most guys, and that bothered me, which led to me being angry. Dad didn't deserve to be a dad with what he did. He was abusive, especially towards my mom, and I hated it. It had left me with dark thoughts and when he ended up in jail, I had wanted to cry tears of happiness because I was finally free of him.

Dad had ruined our lives and we were now the people we were because of that. Mom was emotional and timid and I was bitter and a druggie. Both of us wanted to change.

    But change was hard. So hard when the thing you needed to quit was something that helped you. It hadn't actually caused any harm to anyone yet, so I saw no reason to quit. That was when I would think of Mom and Hayley and change my mind on giving up. But still, it was tough.

    Groaning, I closed my eyes. I thought of my drug dealer and I remembered how I told him to never deal me drugs again. He had laughed in my face and said I'd be back soon, annoying me, but I understood why he said that now. I wanted to go back to him, but I was forcing myself not to.

"You're not doing drugs?" Hayley asked out of nowhere.

I had immediately recognized her voice and slowly, I opened my eyes to look at her. She looked confused, but I sensed an argument coming up. Because I was both irritated and sad, I closed my eyes again, not in the mood to deal with her.

    "Nope," I simply said, praying she'd leave.

    "Why?" she asked.

    I opened my eyes again to stare at her. She looked curious and suddenly, I was wondering how she always ended up outside when I skipped. We had classes at the same time, so I knew she didn't have a spare, which made me realize that she was skipping class too. Realizing that, I wondered why. But, I was too annoyed to bother asking.

    "Do you want me to do drugs?" I shot back, raising my eyebrows.

"You look like hell," she commented, changing the subject. "Are you okay?"

"You care, because?" I shot back again, eyebrows furrowing.

Hayley didn't say anything to that and we stared at each other. Staring at her, I realized she actually looked concerned as I saw it cloud her eyes. It was barely there, but I noticed it. And because of that, I decided to stop being an asshole. She didn't deserve it. Especially because I was only feeling this way from my lack of drugs.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I'm just really tired."

To my surprise, Hayley suddenly walked up to me. She hopped onto the hood of my car and sat at my side, leaving me freezing. I didn't understand her. She wasn't by biggest fan, had rejected me, so why was she sitting with me now?

    "It's hard, isn't it?" Hayley asked, catching me off guard.

    I didn't look at her, hoping she wouldn't find out the truth. I didn't want Hayley to know I quit drugs. Not yet, at least. As cheesy at it sounded, I wanted to wait a few months to ask her out. I wanted to ask her when I felt completely clean. I wanted to make her proud that way.

    "Why aren't you ever in class?" I asked, trying to change the subject. "Are you skipping?"

    "No, I'm on a washroom break," she answered, her eyebrows raising. "Why aren't you in class?"

    "You know why."

    "Yes, to smoke." Her eyes went to my hand for a second, and then she looked back at me, straight at my eyes. "How about today?"

    "Sometimes I just need to breathe." I shrugged. "I feel suffocated in class."

    Hayley nodded, seeming to understand that. I stared at her, surprised. This had been the longest time we'd talk without her yelling at me. It was pretty shocking.

    Because she seemed to be in a good mood, I decided to be straight up and ask, "Why aren't you yelling at me? I'm usually doing something wrong."

    To my surprise, Hayley looked embarrassed by that. She looked away then, seeming ashamed, and I stared at her, stunned. I was so used to seeing the loud, opinionated girl, which left this side of Hayley a surprise. But truth be told, I didn't know much about Hayley.

   "You know I don't hate you, right?" she said, looking back at me with soft eyes. "I never hated you Logan."

    "You sure act like you do," I muttered.

"I... I just don't like drugs," she said. "And I don't like seeing a guy like you do them."

"Why don't you like drugs? I asked, growing curious.

"That's for me to know and you to wonder." She smiled as I raised my eyebrows. "I'll tell you one day. If we get closer."

"If we get closer? Do you mean there's a chance?"

Hayley looked away, but I noticed her cheeks had reddened. My heart skip a beat at the sight and hope filled me. It seemed like I had been right. Hayley hadn't rejected me, she had rejected the drug dependent part of me. Motivation hit me hard.

"Let's get closer now," I said, smiling. "If that's okay?"

Hayley whipped her head to look at me. When her eyes met mine, they suddenly softened and Hayley looked down shyly. And in that moment, I knew I really wanted a date with her.

"Logan..." Hayley said, hesitantly. "We wouldn't work out. We're just too different."

"That's okay," I said. "I mean, I'm not asking for that right now. All I want to do is get to know you."

Hayley stared at me for a second and then she nodded. We then proceeded to talk about ourselves and learn more about each other. I was right that we had nothing in common, but I was okay with that. Because honestly, just talking and learning more about Hayley was really nice. So nice, I forgot about my urge to do drugs completely.