New Drug

Chapter 10

I stared at Hayley from where I sat in the cafeteria and I told myself that I would never give up my habit for her. I would never give up the one thing that made me happy for a girl that was so frustrating and practically a stranger to me. No matter how much my heart wanted me to go to her and just be at her side, I knew that I would always choose drugs over her.

"She's not worth it," Carter said next to me. "I'm sorry she rejected you, but maybe it's a sign that you should get over her. Most people move on after rejection."

"If only things were that simple," I said bitterly, looking at him. "I wish I could get over her. I know it's pointless and I would never give up on drugs, but for some crazy fucking reason I can't stop thinking about her. I can't stop looking at her and honestly, I think I want to be with her. It's not about getting her out of my system, but it's about being with her now."

That was what I learned after asking Hayley out. I had really wanted Hayley to agree to go on a date with me and when she rejected me, it hurt. It left me running outside to do drugs to forget and at that moment, I realized that maybe, I just wanted her to be mine. Despite every reason why I shouldn't want her, I did and now I was left to feel miserable.

    "But it's either drugs or her," Carter said. "What's your choice?"

    "Drugs, obviously," I said, sighing. "But... I don't know man. I just can't stop these feelings. They don't make sense, but I can't stop them."

    "She's addicting, isn't she?" he said, putting a hand on my shoulder.

    My eyes went back to Hayley and I knew she was. She was a drug I couldn't resist. She was destroying my insides, but sometimes she gave me a sort of delight that had become irresistible. And because of that, a small part of me was actually contemplating on quitting drugs.

    I had two drugs it seemed. Hayley and weed. Both gave me an odd sort of happiness. Both were addicting yet damaging. But the difference was, weed and I had history. We had been through a lot together and weed was never frustrating like Hayley. It never talked back to me or was rude. I snorted then, knowing I was acting like weed was a person.

    Hayley was an actual person. I had never experienced love, but I had watched the movies. Even after the horrible relationship my parents had, I knew love was a beautiful thing. It allowed you to hold a person and have them be your comfort, and maybe I needed that. It was obvious I still wasn't completely happy yet, so maybe I just needed someone. Someone to love and to help me through life. That could be Hayley.

Groaning suddenly, I knew this would be a hard decision. Both had their pros and cons. Both were my drugs and I didn't know how I'd get one of them out of my system.

"If she gets taken, do you think you'll be over her?" Carter suddenly asked, zoning me back in.

I focused on Hayley and saw that Dylan had joined her. He was smiling at her and Hayley was smiling back, looking the happiest I'd ever seen her. It was clear that she was fond of him and it hurt. A lot.

I didn't want Hayley being with anyone other than me, I knew. At this point, all I wanted was for her to be mine.

"If I give up on drugs, she'll be mine," I said, staring at her. "She'll date me."

"But you won't give up on drugs," Carter said. "Not for her."

"I'm not so sure anymore."

Carter whipped his head to look at me, his eyes wide. He was stunned and I didn't blame him. I myself was surprised that I was even thinking of giving up drugs.

"You're going to give up drugs?" Carter asked, stunned. "Your addiction? Your life? You're serious?"

"It's either that or I'm left obsessing over this girl who'll end up breaking my heart if Dylan and her date," I said, sighing. "Mom is pretty upset about my addiction. It'll be a win-win situation if I quit because Mom will be happy and Hayley will be mine."

   "Holy you're serious." Carters eyes went wide. "Logan Weed, I don't believe this."

    I rolled my eyes at my nickname and looked at Hayley one last time. My heart ached at the sight of her with Dylan and I knew that if I didn't quit drugs, I would suffer heartache for the rest of the year. That was the last thing I wanted to go through, so I seriously began to think about giving up drugs.

*****

Mom and I were sitting on the couch, watching a movie. Her eyes were glued to the television screen and mine were glued to her. I had an itching question to ask her because I wanted to know if it was worth it. Was love worth giving up my life support?

Knowing I needed to act fast, I said, "Mom."

She looked at me and immediately, she smiled. Her eyes were gentle and something in my heart hurt. I loved Mom and if I quit drugs, she'd be really happy. I found myself leaning towards the idea already.

"What are your thoughts on... Relationships?" I asked. "Are they worth it? Is it nice to be with someone?"

"With the right person, yes," Mom said, making me think of Dad and thus become sickened momentarily. "No one wants to be alone and having that one person to lean on, to love and hold, is such an incredible, beautiful thing."

I stared at Mom, knowing she must be right. I had always been alone and I hadn't been happy in years. Maybe it was because I just needed someone. Someone to lean on, like she said.

"Do you want a relationship?" I couldn't help but ask as I wondered if Mom was lonely.

"No, I don't think I want one." She gave me a sad smile and I understood. "I have you and I'm happy with that."

   I smiled and suddenly, I was sure of myself. Mom and now Hayley were the two people I wanted in my life. Both would be happy if I quit drugs, so I would do it. For them, I would give up the thing I depended on for years.

    "Guess what Mom," I said, smile growing. "I'm going to quit drugs."

    Her eyes flew wide. "Wait, really? Are you serious?"

    "Yes, Mom." My eyes softened as she began to smile. "I think it's time for me to give up my bad habit."

   Before it knew it, Mom was throwing her arms around me. She began sobbing to my surprise, leaving my heart aching. But I hugged her and buried my face into her neck. 

    "I'm so happy," she sobbed. "Thank you Logan."

    With those words, I knew I was doing the right thing. I was suddenly thankful for what Hayley had offered, knowing she had allowed me to make my mom happy. Now all I had to do was quit and win her heart.