New Drug

Chapter 15

It was the day before I would ask Hayley out and I was having trouble sleeping. With thoughts of if she'd say yes or not filling my mind, I laid in bed, staring up at the ceiling. My heart was racing and I wondered if I was ready.

For two months I had been clean and that meant Hayley should be saying yes. She had rejected the drug addicted part of me, but that part was gone now. She should definitely be saying yes.

But yet, I wasn't so sure. Especially after seeing the way Hayley was with Dylan, I wasn't sure if her heart was open for me. I really hoped it was, but I was cursed with the fate of not getting what I wanted. Because of that, I didn't feel so good about tomorrow.

Sitting up, I told myself that I needed to stop overthinking. Overthinking always ruined things before they happened, so I needed to stop. Knowing that, I got out of bed, knowing I needed a distraction.

    I left my room and wondered where to go. Mom was fast asleep and the house was pitch black. I could barely see anything, except the door to the room that was across from mine. At the sight of it, I gulped.

   The room was where we kept Dad's old things. I never knew why Mom even kept Dad's old things, but I had a feeling it was because you could never erase the past. Even after what Dad did to us, I had a feeling Mom missed the part of Dad she fell for.

    Staring at the room, I wondered if I should enter it. I wasn't even sure why I thought that I should, but I did. Ever since I quit drugs, I had been thinking about Dad more often. The thoughts weren't very pleasant, but they were there and I wondered when they'd leave. That was when, I wondered if I needed closure.

    So without a second thought, I stepped forward and opened the door. I entered the room and immediately noticed how dusty it was. No one had entered the room in three years, which explained how dusty and untouched the room was.

    The room was supposed to be a guest room, which was why there was a single bed in it. On it were stacks of books and papers, which caught my attention. I walked over to the pile, wondering what I would find.

The basketball posters were what caught my attention immediately. Dad had been a huge fan of basketball. He used worship it and I thought about how I tried to watch it with him, wanting him to give me more attention. That was when I remembered the first time he hit me.

I was about eight and even though I heard Mom crying at night, I still thought the world of my dad. But, he barely paid attention to me. He treated me like an eyesore and because I was young and naive, I wanted him to love me and treat me like how my friend's dads treated them. That was why I tried watching basketball with my dad.

He hadn't minded at first. He would actually talk to me about players stats and such, which made me believe that he was growing on me. But then later on, when his team got kicked out of the playoffs, Dad hit me for the first time. He yelled at me and told me it was my fault, that I was bad luck. I had cried in my room for hours and I shuddered at the memory. That was when my life began to go downhill.

Shuddering, I moved my eyes away from the posters and saw the bills that were crammed into a small box. My heart twisted as I remembered the day Dad had beaten Mom because she didn't earn enough. He had told her that it was her fault we were poor and hit her until she was unconscious. I remembered screaming until Dad slapped me to shut me up.

It was getting harder to breathe as I kept remembering what Dad did to us. He had been so abusive. So horrible. And remembering my life with him, I found myself mentally reliving those moments of pain with him. It left me dropping to my knees as I remembered how much I hated life back then.

    Although it had been years since I'd seen Dad, memories were haunting. They left you remembering, hurting, and wishing you could erase the memories to erase the pain. But sadly, the world wasn't kind enough to let you forget what you wanted to forget.

   Suddenly, I craved drugs. They helped me forget. They relaxed me and cleared my mind, which was what I really needed right now. My mind screamed for them, but I stood up quickly and told myself no. Tomorrow was the day I would ask Hayley out and I needed to stay clean. I couldn't let everything go to waste.

    So taking a deep breath in, I rushed to my room, wanting to be away from Dad's possessions. I still felt horrible and my cravings were growing stronger, but I forced myself to sleep. I had almost reached my goal, so I fought everything away.

*****

I walked confidently to where Hayley's locker was. I basically glided through the hallways, feeling as confident as ever, and anticipation was filling my system. Although I was nervous, I tried to remain confident. All my efforts couldn't be for nothing, so I had a feeling I would score a date with her.

    Nearing Hayley's locker, I found myself growing excited. This was it. Hayley was about to mine. Grinning to myself, I turned a corner to the hallway her locker was located in.

    But upon seeing her at her locker, my grin fell. My heart stopped as I saw that she was not alone. Hayley was in Dylan's arms and they were making out. He had her pinned against her locker and she had her arms wrapped around him. It was clearly not forced and my heart broke.

    Everything in me hurt at the sight. Even though I should've expected this - it was obvious Hayley liked him - I still thought I had a chance. I had hoped, even though hope always led disappointment, and now I was left heartbroken.

    I whirled around and stormed off. Anger and regret filled me as I realized I was an idiot. I had trusted Hayley. Liked her and quit my drugs all for a girl who could care less about me. I hated her and I hated myself for being a fool.

    Without a second thought, I began to run out of school. I went to my drug dealer, bought some weed, and went to my car to smoke. Right now, all I wanted was to forget. I didn't want to think about Hayley, Dad, or my broken heart, so I let myself be consumed by my drugs. They had always been by my side and I told myself that I would always stay at their side from that moment on. I didn't need anyone or anything except them.