New Drug

Chapter 5

Carter and I were in Calculus class and as usual, my eyes were drifting towards Hayley. She was with Dylan and my heart ached, but I forced that feeling away. I had to get close to her to get over her and the first step was to try talking to her.

"How do you think she'll react when I talk to her?" I asked Carter. "Slap, scream, or swoon?"

"Definitely not swoon," Carter answered, grinning. "Slap is too harsh, so I'll go with scream."

"Thanks for the confidence boost."

"I'm kidding." Carter shook his head. "I don't understand your plan to be honest. You're going to get close to her to get over her? Doesn't the opposite usually happen when you get close to someone?"

"No, not when you get to see their flaws that leave you wanting to run."

Carter shook his head again and I knew my plan was stupid. But because I was desperate and tired of these feelings, I went along with it anyways. It was better than nothing.

    "Wish me good luck," I mumbled, getting up.

    "You need all the luck in the world," he said, laughing as I shot him a dirty look.

    Taking a deep breath in, I told myself that I would just introduce myself to Hayley. I'd tell her that I wanted to start fresh and that we should try getting to know each other better. From there, hopefully my feelings would lessen.

    Feeling sure of myself, I glided over to where Hayley sat with Dylan. She was telling him something, looking gleeful, and she didn't even notice that I was standing in front of her desk. Dylan was the one to notice me and when he did, he didn't look happy. The feeling was mutual.

    As Dylan stared at me, Hayley finally looked up and at the sight of me, she frowned. And to my utter surprise, I found my heartbeat accelerating. My hands were suddenly shaking as Hayley's beautiful hazel eyes were on me. Up close, she was even prettier.

    "Do you need something?" Hayley asked when I didn't dare speak.

    I opened my mouth to tell her what I had planned, but no words came out. It was as if I was starstruck by her.

    "Are you intoxicated right now?" Hayley narrowed her eyes at me. "Logan, I swear to god-"

  "I'm not," I blurted out. "Hi, I'm Logan."

    "I know who you are."

    I blushed and I noticed Dylan looked amused. Feeling humiliated, I began to ramble.

   "Yeah, we've met before. Outside, remember," I said quickly. "You were mad at me and I guess I understand your reaction, although I don't agree with it. And I know you hate me and all, but let's start anew. Let's get to know each other."

    My cheeks were burning because I knew I had spoken too quickly. It was clear as Hayley looked utterly confused. These feeling were really troublesome.

    "What?" Hayley said after a bit. "Honestly, I didn't catch any of that."

    "Never mind," I said, knowing I had embarrassed myself enough. "Don't worry about it."

    I turned around to walk off, but I tripped over my own feet and went crashing down. Carter laughed and I found myself cursing myself for being such a loser. As I lay on the ground, I wished I could disappear.

    "Are you okay?" Hayley exclaimed.

    I heard her scurry my way and before I knew it, she was crouching next to me. Worry was written across her face and as I stared at her, my heart skipped a beat. She was adorable and I was screwed.  

    Looking away, I mumbled, "I'm fine."

   Pushing myself up, I sauntered off without looking back once. I knew that would anger her, but I didn't care. Not when I was humiliated and hopeless.

    I went back to my desk and dropped into my seat. Carter was staring at me and I chose to ignore him, knowing he was probably going to laugh at my embarrassment. I didn't want to deal with that right now.

    But to my surprise, Carter simply said, "Hayley seems to be your new drug."

"My what?" I asked, confused.

     "She's fucking you up like the drugs you take." Carter gave me a sad smile. "She's your new drug."

    I didn't say anything to that, but I had to agree. Hayley was exactly that. She was fucking me up, consuming me, just like my drugs. It was true. Hayley was my new drug.

*****

Mom and I were sitting on the couch together. We were watching a documentary about killer whales killing people, and instead of focusing on the documentary I stared at my mom. Her eyes were glued to the television, so she never noticed.

Mom was small. After the ordeal with my dad, she had lost a lot of weight from stress and I knew she wasn't physically strong. She got sick often and she got emotional over small things. All that was because of my dad.

I found myself feeling nauseous at the thought of Dad, but I also felt angry. My hands clenched into fists and I took a deep breath in. I told myself to forget about Dad. He was a thing of the past and he was irrelevant. What mattered was the present.

My eyes softened as I saw Mom gasp as she saw a whale attack a man. I loved her. She was the only girl I needed in my life. And seeing her, I knew love wasn't worth it. All the pain it would bring me wasn't worth it.

Suddenly, I placed my hand on top of Mom's head. She looked at me and smiled, and I smiled back. I hoped she knew I would always be at her side. I would never hurt her like Dad did.

So thinking about Hayley, I knew I needed to work harder on forgetting about her. I needed to focus all of my attention on Mom and as long as Hayley was in the picture, that would be hard. I had to get rid of her.