New Drug

Chapter 16

Drugs were what were consuming me now. No longer the girl who broke my heart, no longer my Dad, but drugs. I lived off of them and admittedly, I was more dependent on them than before.

    I was outside, smoking a blunt. It was my third one and it was fourth period. I hadn't went to any of my classes except the first one.

    Snow was everywhere since it was January and it was cold. I was wearing nothing but a jean jacket and black jeans, but yet I was warm. Thanks to my drugs and their comfort, I was fine.

    I could care less about Hayley now. It had been a week since she broke my heart and I felt nothing at the thought. She had led me on, made me give up my drugs, and I knew she wasn't worth it. No one was worth it in this world.

   I put my blunt to my mouth quickly, knowing my dark thoughts were seeking into my mind. They had been doing that a lot lately whenever I was sober, which was why I kept drowning myself in drugs. To clear my mind and remain sane, I depended on drugs.

    "Logan!" Carter suddenly shouted, surprising me. "Where have you been?"

   I looked over at my friend and grinned lazily. He looked worried. Concerned too, but all I did was grin.

    "Out here," I answered, waving my blunt. "Having a lit time."

    "All day?" Carter's eyes went wide with horror. "That's what you've been doing all day?"

    "Yup."

    I brought the blunt to my mouth and inhaled its fumes. I then let it out slowly, enjoying the taste of it. It wasn't a good taste, but it was a familiar one.

    Carter stared at me as I kept smoking. He looked sad, concerned, and suddenly, he walked over to me. I grinned at him again, wondering if he'd join me. Carter didn't do drugs, but I still hoped.

"Look man, I known you're not happy. Your dad still haunts you and Hayley broke your heart, but you're better than this," Carter said. "You don't need drugs."

"I could care less about my dad and Hayley." I rolled my eyes. "I just love drugs. Nothing wrong with that."

"There is something wrong with that. You skipped all your classes to smoke." He frowned. "That's definitely not healthy."

"But I'm happy. Isn't that all that matters?"

"There's other ways to be happy. Logan, you were doing so well. You quit drugs for two whole months. You can quit again. You-"

I laughed out loud then, causing Carter to freeze and stare at me. He was a funny guy. If he thought I'd ever quit drugs again, he was insane.  

"I'm never quitting drugs again," I told him. "And other ways of being happy? Sure. Tell me something funny again."

Carter stared at me, looking helpless. I chose to ignore him and I brought my blunt to my mouth again. Closing my eyes, I wished people didn't exist. They were so bothersome.

"Logan, don't let a girl ruin you," Carter said. "Hayley is just one girl. Don't drown in drugs over her."

I ignored him. I didn't want to talk to him, especially when he didn't get it. It wasn't just Hayley I was trying to erase, it was everything. Everything in the world that hurt. Maybe I looked like I was ruining my life, but my life had been ruined years ago. Right now, I was just trying to keep myself as together as I could.

Carter kept talking and I kept ignoring him. It went on for twenty minutes and then Carter stopped. He sighed heavily and then walked off, finally leaving me alone. I closed my eyes and thanked the lord that I was alone.

*****

I stood in front of the door to my house and prayed Mom wouldn't see me. From how much I smoked, the high feeling I had earlier lingered a bit. I knew I could conceal it, but what I couldn't conceal were my eyes. They were bloodshot and red, and I told myself to stare at the ground until I reached my room. That way, Mom wouldn't know that I had begun smoking again.

Opening the door, I stepped in. Immediately I heard that the tv was playing and I groaned, knowing I had to pass Mom. To reach my room I would, and I hoped she would be too focused on her show to start a conversation with me.

I began to walk forward and into the living room. Upon entering, I dropped my head and stared at my feet. My heartbeat began to race as I wondered if I would get caught.

To my disappointment, Mom suddenly said, "Logan."

Internally groaning, I stopped in my place. I didn't dare face her and I hoped our chat would be short.

"Yes?" I said, my eyes remaining on my shoes.

"Guess what?" she said. "I made a cake. It's in the kitchen and let me just say that it's overdue. It was supposed to be given a week ago."

I froze at her words, realizing what the cake was for. Guilt filled me as I knew it was made because I was two months clean. Mom sounded so proud and I felt sick.

"You didn't have to," I said, feeling uneasy.

"I had to. I'm just so proud of you." Mom suddenly paused. "Why aren't you looking at me?"

"No reason." Panic hit me. "I'm going to my room. See you in a bit."

"Logan." Mom didn't sound happy. "Look at me."

I couldn't disobey her, so I looked up slowly. My heart was pounding and I felt like I would throw up. I knew I shouldn't have came home like this, but I had been an idiot.

When my eyes met Mom's, her jaw dropped. Her eyes flew wide and I felt shame. But even then, I knew there was nothing she could say that would make me quit drugs again.

    "Oh Logan," Mom said, stunned. "You're high."

    She suddenly burst into tears and my heart dropped. I hadn't expected her reaction and I hated myself in that moment. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt Mom, but I had. I wished I never quit drugs, giving Mom false hope. Everyone would've been better off.  

    "I can't believe this," Mom sobbed. "I believed in you. I trusted you and you start doing drugs again. Why Logan? Why?"  

    "I'm sorry," I said quietly, hoping she knew I meant it.

    "You're just like your dad!" she shouted. "Both of you are horrible." 

    Her words were like a slap and I began to run to my room. I didn't want to be near her or anyone, so I went into my room and slammed the door. I then pulled out a blunt and began to smoke.

    I wanted to forget. I wanted to stop hurting. Drugs allowed that and that was why, I couldn't quit drugs.