Gabriel (Book 1)

Choices

CHOICES...

August 8th, 2015

She won't talk to me. She won't let me be in the same room as her. Ryder says it is because she is trying to take everything in and sort it all out. But I'm not sure. Once when I was standing outside I glanced up at the guest bedroom, hoping to just catch a glimpse of her. I did, she was standing in the window, sadly looking out over the tree tops and her hand and eyes examining the wedding ring on her left hand. When she caught me staring she retreated into the darkness, out of sight.

We would live happily ever after, we would overcome this...together...right? I was so unsure. Completely unsure. Yes, I wanted to be hers and with her forever, I wanted to be together no matter what. But what if she didn't? She has no remembrance of anything after halfway through her senior year of high school. What if she would never have chosen me, even if we had met under other circumstances? What if she never gave me a second glance after passing me on the street? She probably wanted so much more out of life than what I was giving her, no matter what she was saying. She could have that all now, if she wanted, she could get out of all this without it affecting her conscience at all.

Later that day, in the early afternoon, I was walking down the upstairs hall when I noticed the door to the baby's room was slightly ajar. So I lightly pushed it open and saw Johanna sitting in the rocking chair in the center of the room with our son cradled in her arms. Her fingers were lightly touching the blonde fuzz that had started to grow on his head, and her tears left dark splotches on the blue blanket he was wrapped in.

Slowly I walk over to her and then kneel on the ground in front of her, my hands on her knees.

"Isn't he handsome?" I whisper.

She nods her head, more tears splattering the blanket and her lips pursed like she is holding back her sobs.

I gently take the hand that had been stroking his hair and hold it to my lips, "He's our son. Made up of your beauty and intelligence and my...well, hopefully he's just made up of you." I laugh.

She smiles back and then gazes back into his face lovingly.

"What's your favorite name?" I ask her.

She takes her pointer fingers and traces it onto my arm, 'Drew'.

I thought about it, said it in my mind.

"Johanna, this is your son, Andrew Ryan. Drew for short," I wink.

More tears well in her grass green eyes as she mouthes the word 'hello', lifts him to the sky and then places a dainty kiss on his small forehead.

As I held my son, Drew, and watched my little girl sleeping that night, it hit me that this isn't about me. It can't be.

I got the chance to live my life and I ruined it, Johanna was getting the chance to re-do hers, getting a "get-out-of-jail-free" card.

"We have to do what's best for her," Ryder says from the doorway. He is standing there too casually, arms crossed, all in a way that made me think he wanted to take her away from here.

A very huge part of me wanted to argue that I was the best thing for her, that she couldn't be nearly as safe as she would be with me. But my lifeless heart told me I couldn't say those things, told me that I couldn't be so selfish. It told me that I honestly couldn't think that I, the one whose fault it is that she died and had a stroke during childbirth, was the safest place for her to be. And that one part of me was right. But I love her, and that should be enough...

"Not always," Ryder whispers.

"So what? You want to take her away from here? Bring her back to Pennsylvania to parents who love me and a sister who is in love with my best friend?"