Losing Your Memory

10. Focal Point

Clarke's POV:

Kissing and Arguing. That is what i remembered this morning. I remember Finn and i remember kissing him but not much else, accept that i had felt really happy...this just made me feel more guilty.

I also remember bits about the camp, the basics of where things are and how we set it up...though people like Jasper and Monty had told me those things i still feel better now i remember it for myself...even if it is in bits and pieces.

Then there is Bellamy. I remember arguments but about what i can't put my finger on...i just remember having differences in opinions but nothing more.

I am exhausted! I have only been awake for an hour and i am tired out. I have grown used to ignoring the pain in my stomach now and i can feel initiative kicking in and have started almost bossing people around. No one seems to mind though, they say i am more myself now which i dont know is a compliment...

I sigh as i notice Finn. He is walking over but now its different i suppose...i remember him and i remember being happy with him. Maybe this can work and i wont have to keep hurting him...i feel a pang of guilt as he says hello, sits down and puts an arm around me. A surge of instinct tells me to lean against him but i resist it and dont look at him.

"So princess wanna go out today? Its such nice weather it would be a shame to waste it" Finn says to me cheerily, his hold on me tightening ever so slightly. I dont like it when he calls me princess, he told it has always been his nickname for me so it just reminds me off all the things i dont remember about him!

In truth, I had been planning to ask Bellamy if he would take me to the river again, it had been so pretty out there and well i hadnt thought twice about asking him.

But as i look up at Finn, his eyes wide, and perhaps filled with love, my stomach flips with guilt and pity so i nod with an almost convincing smile, which he buys.

He stands immediately, pulling me with him forcefully, it was probably an accident though so i dont think anything of it.

"Well lets go, if im honest there isnt much to do so i guess we can just go for a walk" Finn chirps and i catch Bellamy's eye from accross camp where he appears to be helping someone with something. I can't really see. Bellamy isnt looking at me, but at Finn and he looks almost...disgusted?

I cant help but feel there is something secret and unspoken between him and Finn...they just seem so off around each other. I mean it is already clear to me that they are very different and dont exactly get on...but it seems like more than that.

Finn doesnt appear to have noticed Bellamy's steely glare (which i would not want to be on the receiving end of) and he begins to lead me out of camp.

We walk for a while and i just enjoy the fresh air which i have been deprived of my entire life and i relish the sweet sound of nature, instead of the constant machine buzz i have become so used to hearing 24/7.

Finn chats away and i have to admit that i only half listen, at first i attempted to join in but eventually just gave up and am now simply listening.

My mind wanders off as i think about why i am here...i think of what i can remember. Finn made me happy, that is all i have to go on and i suppose i am here to see if i feel that way again, to see if i really can fall for him all over again but deep down i feel slightly regretful and i dont know why...

We stop at the top of a hilly clearing and Finn sits down so i do the same and smile when he smiles at me.

"You have been very quiet" Finn says and i dont reply, expecting his statement to be followed by an "are you okay?" Or something more but he says nothing.

So, slightly clumsily, i say "oh umm sorry?" God why do i feel so guilty? I just cant imagine what he must be going through...

After we have been sitting in this same spot for quite some time i feel Finn's hand slide onto mine. It feels familiar yet i dont react, my stomach does not flip and i dont feel the 'happy' i thought i would by being with him. What even is this? Does he think it is a date? Perhaps it is...i dont know, everything seems so clouded at the moment and i dont know what to do.

Next thing i know is Finn leans in and kisses me. I freeze for a moment, a million things running through my mind but i kiss him back...out of pity? Or guilt? Or perhaps my body is reacting out of old feelings i cant remember? I dont know why but i kiss him back.

I dont move though. Its like my muscle memory takes over and my arms stay stationary by my side and sure enough, Finn's hands grip my arms and place them for me and something inside me tightens...not in a good way. It's like this has happened time and time again...no i need to stop over thinking this.

Finn then pulls away and smiles before saying "i love you".

I try not to wince at his words because in all honesty...i dont love him! Maybe i did but its all different now i hardly even know him.

"Finn..." i begin weakly but he simply shushes me and when it starts to go dark we head back to camp. Just as the people on guard at the gate open it for us, Finn laces his fingers with mine and this time my stomach does turn. It churns achingly in an almost sense of dread? I dont know what i have just done...i dont want him to think things can just go back to the way they were because i am starting to think they never can.

I find myself searching the camp...for what i am unsure until i see it. Not a what but a who. I see Bellamy, talking to his sister Octavia who has been so nice to me since the accident. I look at him, hoping to feel a sense of calm but instead the twisting feeling in my stomach doubles and when he looks up and meets my eyes he looks away quickly. My chest aches for our eyes to be focused on oneanother again...wait what am i thinking? I must be pretty tired. Bellamy is just Bellamy, he is not a magic focal point that can whip all my problems away...although he does seem close to it.

AN: So this was a bit cheeky wtf is Finn playing at? And how will Bell feel when he finds out they K I S S E D??!!!

Love you guysss