The Partial Journal of Kona Firestar

What You Do To Me

Why do I feel so... empty? Like a failure. I did not achieve the goals I set for myself. I did not achieve the luxury of having the future I imagined, the future I imagined with her. Always her.. She was the most beautiful- no, not beautiful- She was the most gorgeous girl I had ever seen, the first time I looked at her. I couldn't stop staring. I was curious. Intrigued. She had everything I wanted, everything my heart begs for, needy. She whispers words in my ear in my dreams... "I've changed. I swear it, I changed. I'm loyal, I'm yours... I love you, baby girl." Now, now... she was sweet. In the beginning. Now she questions the purpose of people's existence in her presence unless its a boy toy or comedian. Me? I was just another fling. Another person, human being. And because I'm inexperienced, I'm trash. I'm nothing. She shrugged me off like I was a sudden chill down her back. She doesn't care. Like I was a stranger on the street who said, "Hi." She gave a fake smile and walked off. Am I just a ladybug she saw, and she captured and admired, then just let me be? Oh, her smile! Such beauty. Her eyes? The colors.. the many, many colors. Her soul is vibrant, bright, wise. She is not the original version of herself. She is the genuine version of many. Very similar, but uniquely her own personality. She is... cruel? Unintentionally cruel?... No. Nothing is an accident. Everything is a symbol, maybe, a lesson, perhaps. My heart trusted my eyes, and my eyes trusted my heart. And my eyes showed her, examined her, and my heart jumped with joy, with gratitude to be blessed with her gorgeously glowing presence. My heart wanted her so much... she was a lie. A disguise. Worthless, useless...

She doesn't want me. She loved me so. I fucked up. I let her go. It was all my fault. I was still in love. In love with the other one. But the other one wasn't mine. That little leo, my little pikachu, was no longer my own, I had to let go! Let go of the past but she was so gorgeous, so bright. Ever changing eyes, such a vibrant, emotional soul, almost equally balancing every emotion, she was mine, she is a Leo! A magical gift to me a Leo was Bri. The goat, the wolf, the Capricorn is her, Skylar, the gorgeous thorn. Ah, ha ha ha. The people told me to let it go. I cried. I balled in a library, told by my most loyal friend I need to let go . Let go. Let go of what, a gorgeous rose and a beautiful water lily? Why just give away such sights?... Because they will never stay forever. No one grows up and is as intelligent as I at my age, or not obviously so, if there are people similar. Are they as committed as me? As loving as me? Are they as loyal, as trusting as me? Are they willing to sacrifice like me? Or is 2016 generation fucked up? Middle schoolers and high schoolers ruined with the sickening things from people, news, internet. Elementary kids singing anaconda and middle/high schoolers listening to little Einstein. Me, a victim of this... this... mess. This gigantic mess created by the selfish! And I told drama to leave me be, and it said bye.