The Partial Journal of Kona Firestar

No, I'm Not Dead Yet

Hey, okay, idk what happened with my journalism here. Somebody unpublished my entries so I republished them. I've been gone for a while, due to my overly strict aunt. Locked out of my own Facebook because of her too. I hate her so much right now. I was living with her, then because I was right in an argument for once, she kicked me out. I'm on a couch right now and it's 1am. If my mom doesn't get a call for this apartment soon I'm going to go live with my uncle in Indiana. Which, to my disappointment, is no where near anyone I wish to see.

I've been thinking about a certain girl lately. She's no one new, but she's as recent as they get. The last person I fell in love with made me feel... better. She called me beautiful when she didn't even know what I looked like, and she gave me attention, and more. I don't know why she effected me in such a way. No one else has the effect she does... and I messed up. I hurt her and I didn't know because I was so full of myself once again to a point where I wasn't paying attention. Honestly, I like the depressed me, because when I'm depressed I pay more attention to others rather than myself. I don't deserve happiness, and I know I definitely don't deserve her.

I feel like shit. I've been running a fever for a few days and my nose is so stuffed
it hurts. Just hours ago I had a headache that wouldn't go away for an entire day. My life just isn't much fairness lately, and not even the small victories are being given to me. Honestly, I'm only writing to release the emotions I've been going through lately. I hurt so much.

I told my friends at my new school that I had a crush on someone so they'd leave me alone, but that didn't exactly work. They tried to get me to get the girl's number and I freaked out. My social anxiety has gotten really bad lately. So just to say, I didn't approach my friends, they approached me. Kind of sad to leave them behind, but it's whatever.

My birthday is coming up. February 10, four days before Valentine's Day. I hope it's better than last year. At least I'm not with anyone, so I guess I can't get heartbroken this time. Moving to a new place is so going to bother me though. I hate moving. It always changes everything. Like, moving to a new place is like having a clean start. I hate it. I'm glad Tacoma was my longest stay, because it always taught me new things almost everyday. But now I'm lost, and I know that when I get the chance, I have several places in mind that I'd like to visit or move to. Which, would probably be easier to do if I manage to shake off my anxiety by age 18. Then again, I'm probably going to be an author, and a tattoo artist when I grow up.

Speaking of tattoos, my mom asked me to finish the tattoo on her back. Said I had five years to figure it out. I thought it was a bit too serious but I figured it wouldn't be that serious in five years, so I agreed.

I dyed my hair red again. Got it trimmed to my content. And so on, whatever with my life. Why do I write again? To spare myself pain? Yeah, right, like that ever works. If the cutting and smoking didn't do it, why would writing? Fuck this shit, I'm out. Have a wonderful day or whatever, everyone. Thank you to those who bother reading, but I'm just a constant waste of breath.