The Partial Journal of Kona Firestar

TBH 9/16/16

So I quit my therapist. "Fired" as my mom would say. I also had a very... subtle? Subtle conversation, I guess... Um. It's really difficult to live a lie for most of your life, and it's not just any lie, it's something that consumes your mind, like it has mine and someone I care about. I had a conversation about it. Told her I couldn't do it anymore. The lie eats me alive. It's ruined relationships and friendships in the past. Ruined my mom's perspective about her own child, me. It um... It's... I don't know how to word it. It's insane, I suppose. But, it has saved lives. As well as destroy them. It's particularly saved my friend's life. I'm very grateful for that. But it's an unhealthy thing, though someone once told me it was normal. I'm glad to hear that.

So I have something to confess. And I know she'll read this. Maybe. I, um... I feel ashamed to say I don't love my girlfriend anymore. In honest words, as I've said before to a few friends, she's just... there. I care about her a lot, still, I admire her for being strong and forgiving and kind and loving and everything I need but, as time has revealed, my love for her wasn't true enough to stay strong. And I'm sorry to have hid this for so long. I didn't realize. Not until a few days ago. I still want her to be happy. That I can say. I still care. Her happiness is mine.

My therapist smiled and told me that she's proud I was courageous enough to tell her that it wasn't working out, the therapy and the sleeping pills. But her eyes betrayed her smile. Such a hurt look in them... I felt bad. But mostly she wasn't understanding that I don't need to discuss about my daily activities. I need to discuss about my life in general. Because telling her what I did and her telling me what I need to do is not helping me. So I told her I wasn't going to therapy anymore. I'm moving on to a different person. My childhood doctor. Mother hopes he can help get me pills that'll help me further on my journey of life, maybe lighten up these dark, depressing moods of mine. I just want to be normal.

But I am tired of trying to be normal. I'm driving myself crazy. I beat myself up for my own mistakes, every cut and scar on my arm counting how many I've made, sometimes more than one cut making up for just one mistake that I feel is unforgivable. An endless payment of debt that I feel will never be payed until I die.

I'm a waste of oxygen. I don't really help. I think the only thing I do is make someone laugh and smile but that's it. Maybe I saved a couple lives but nothing more. I feel like my use is up. I've been used. I'm done.

I'll be honest, this is actually kind of difficult to type. With that being said, I'm going to end this entry here. You all have a good day or night.

~Sincerely, Kaytlynn.