Jack has been calling me and texting me nonstop since he landed on Friday. I've been avoiding any kind of contact with him. I don't want to see him, talk to him, hear him, look at him, or even think think about him.
I've been ignoring him for 3 days now and I'm starting to realize that I should probably at least let him know what's going on with me. I can't avoid him forever. If I avoid him forever then what good is that going to do? It's not going to break off our relationship, it's not going to make me a bigger or better person, it's not going in to inform him about where our relationship stands.
I honestly don't know what to say to him, but I guess I'm going to have to do something about it. If things end on bad terms between us then at least my parents won't be here to see me cry. They're out of town once again because they wanted to go to Las Vegas for some reason. I was supposed to go, but I told them I wasn't feeling good so they left me here at home with money and food. They were supposed to leave my two younger sisters here with me to babysit, but since I'm 'sick' they wanted me to rest. I'm not sick at all, I just feel like I need some time alone.
The silence in my home is driving me insane. I haven't spoken to anyone in about 24 hours. Are you ever in a really silent room or place and it's so silent that you can actually hear the silence? Like you can hear the ringing? The more you pay attention to the ringing, the louder it gets. It's haunting, really.
I'm tired of the silence, I need to do something that I should've done a few days ago. Fuck, I really don't want to to do.
I've thought about this for awhile now. I hate to do it. I don't want to do it. I don't want to let go, but he's toxic to me now. I need to cut him off before I get intoxicated by his behavior too. I need someone who is good to me, who is good for me, who treats me with love and respect. Jack was once like that, or at least I thought he was. Guess it was all an act.
I grab my phone from my bed and start to type up a text to Jack.
Me: Come over. We have lots to talk about.
Gilinsky: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Baby, please. I'm sorry. I won't stop. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Me: Please just come to my house.
Gilinsky: Anything for you baby. I'm about to be on my way.
I start to dress myself up a little bit so I can at least look presentable enough to break up with him. I change out of my pjs and change in to some dark-washed blue jeans, and some band T-shirt from Hot Topic. I don't even listen to the band that's on this shirt anymore, I used to...well during my 7th grade emo phase. I think I look decent in it, so I guess I'll wear it.
My phone rings and I see that it's Jack. I'm so nervous. My heart is pounding. My knees feel weak, and my head is starting to hurt again. Calm down, Amelia. You got this. I got this.
I open my door and see Jack looking at me with his dark brown orbs. He's try to portray innocence and pity, it's not working.
I step out of my door and close it behind me.
"Hello." I greet.
"You're not going to let me in?" He seems startled by my action.
"Why would I let you in?" I question.
"Why wouldn't you?"
"You cheated on me." I say harshly.
He furrows his eyebrows as he's about to say something. I see him take a step closer to me and tries to reach for my hand. I step back immediately.
"Look baby, I'm sorry. I know it se-" I cut him off.
"Don't baby me, Jack. You cheated on me. How do you expect me to react to a situation like this? Do you reall-" he now cuts me off.
"Fuck, Amy. Just hear me out, okay? Before you start your bitching." He says in a serious tone. He's looking straight at me. His eyes are hard to read right now. They seem so cold.
"Okay. I was drunk. I thought it would be fun to have a few drinks. I was out on a trip. No parents, no curfews, no rules, no nothing. What did you expect for me to do? Stay in my hotel room and watch their shitty cable? Fuck no. I went out with my friends, crashed a party and had some fucking fun with it. Yes, I had too much to drink. I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I worried you. This girl was messing around with me, she kept taunting me, baby. I couldn't help it. I couldn't wai-" no. No. He couldn't wait. He couldn't wait for what? The dream, the memory of his words start flashing in my mind. The sound of those words have been haunting the back of my head for weeks.
I look up at him and see him looking down on to the ground. What could he not wait for?
"Jack." I try to say as calm as possible.
No response. Just like the dream. Let me try it again.
"Jack. Talk to me." I demand. Nothing.
"Jack, at least look at me. Please."
"Please." I plead. I can feel the back of my throat starting to do that thing. That thing you try to choke down before you start crying. I'm not crying here, not now.
Jack finally looks up at me. The comparison of his facial expression in my dream and the facial expression he has right now are starting to get to me. His eyes, they're watering. His lips are pressed tightly against each other. He looks empty.
"I c-couldnt wait." He says in a low voice. As if he were ashamed.
"What couldn't you wait for?" I say. I take a step forward, so I could really look up at him.
He chokes a quick sob.
"I couldn't wait for you.." He croaks. Couldn't wait for me? Wait for what? To see me? To come back to me? To...no. He didn't. He fucking didn't.
"What did you..what did you do?" I say while I look up at him. I can feel my cheeks start to flush and my anger starts to bubble.
"I'm sorry Amy. I wasn't thinking about you. I wasn't thinking about us. It was the fucking alcohol. It was the heat in the moment. I didn't know. I'm sorry baby." He tries to hug me, but I shove him.
"Don't...The heat of the moment? Blaming it on the alcohol? Seriously Jack? You didn't know? How do you expect me to believe that?" He remains silent. I have him listening to me now.
I start to continue on. "The heat of the moment right? What does that necessarily mean, Jack? She teased you, taunted you, and wanted you. And you surprisingly wanted the same thing. See Jack, you obviously weren't thinking with your head, the blood that's supposed to be flowing in your head: wasn't quite flowing in your head. It actually was flowing in your erection. You weren't thinking, your penis was." I can feel myself only getting angrier. I was supposed to be calm and collective, now I'm starting to raise my voice.
"Why do you even choose to blame it on the alcohol? Could you not stop drinking? Were you obligated to drink? Did they put a gun to your head? Tell me, Jack. Did they?" My voice is only getting louder. As I'm about to say something, I start to choke on a few sobs. My cheeks are so hot, I can't quite feel them. I raised my hand slowly up my cheek and feel the tears slowly starting to fall down. My vision is getting blurry, my eyes are flooding.
Stop crying Amelia. You're not done.
