I'm Having These Weird Dreams •The Flash/Barry Allen•

Choices

We were consumed by darkness.
We want to give up. We want to go home.
There is so much to fear,
Should we leave? Or stay?
Is the end near?
Or far, far away?

---

I don't want to fight anymore.

I'm done. This should all be done.

But as I stand here with Barry in the rain on a cold autumn day, I realise we only just need to begin to fight.

He stays silent, not moving, not making a single sound.

He's broken.

And I wouldn't blame him. He lost the last of his blood- family.

Almost everyone has left. Roy stands underneath another umbrella holding a white rose, letting the thorns prick his fingers and letting the red bleed into the white, turning it into an odd shade of pink.

He lays the rose by the headstone and winks at me, setting off fireworks, and then leaving, us and my once bright spirits.

But I don't have any plans on leaving yet.

I know what this is like. I know how he feels. And for the first time I'm ages, I think I can actually help Barry Allen.

"I know it's tough Barry. But that's exactly why it happened. It was meant to make you stronger. It happened for a reason and it's going to make you an even bigger person someday."

He shakes his head out of a trance, cocking it to one side, letting a frown cross over his face.

" I didn't want it to happen."

I push back my hair," But it did. And I'm sorry that it happened. I know we wanted everything to be perfect and none of this. But nothing is perfect and it will never be. And that's life."

"Why are you here? Are you returning the favour or something?"

I sigh," Not as much as returning the favour as trying to help. Barry, I get that you're upset and you want to be alone. But this wasn't your fault -"

"How was it not?", He yells," If I hadn't been so cocky, and maybe more faster he would have been alive, he would have been here", his voice reduces to a whisper.

"Henry loved you. In ways, he saved you, and deep down Barry you know this isn't your fault. You can't blame a murder on yourself. Blame it on zoom. Take it out on the man who killed your father. But remember to be the bigger person in this. Love gets you to do crazy things."

Love gets you to do crazy things.

----

I find that when you can sit in silence with another person and be completely comfortable, it means it's real.

His arms are slinked around my waist, and his chin rests on my head, sometimes taking very weird sneaky sniffs of my hair. His legs are tangled with mine, and his warmth makes me feel at home.

I feel beautiful. I feel loved. I feel important.

I feel happy.

Sometimes his hands trail up my waist or arms, and his rough skin tickles me, making me flinch, and all he does is let out a deep, soft chuckle.

My hands are glued to the book that Joe gave me for my birthday, and my fingers graze the pages my parents may have once touched.

They're smiling, and happy, and if I concentrate, it's like the pictures move to show me the story I was never told.

----

" You look like you smell of honey and no pain. Let me have a taste of that."

"You are only a selfish little girl who wants nothing but her family back."

"How could you say that? I want both our families and the only way to do that is to kill you in the past."

"You think you're really clever. The thing is, only one of you can have a family."

"You're wrong. You always will be."

---

Hi again.

It's been a while I know. I can see that I've refrained from talking to you all.
Well, Henry is gone. And a bit of Barry is too.

All I ever wanted, was for all of us to have a family. For all of us to live our lives peacefully, in prosperity.

But only now do I realise that we all don't get what we want.
It's like a choice. And you can only get one thing.
It's like when I had to choose between hazelnut and chocolate ganache and obviously chocolate ganache was my grand choice.

Barry really wants his family. He loves them more than anything in this world. And I want my family back too.

But I've grown to love this life of mine. And so I've chosen to give up the one thing that I have wanted the most.

I'm sorry mom and dad. But I believe that this happened for a reason. And while I'm angry at Eobard Thawne for killing you, I am grateful to him too.

There's not a day that I won't go thinking about a different life with you, but I know that you will always be with me, and my love for you will keep you alive.

I have chosen to be the girl you wanted to raise me to be.

I'm going to visit the man who broke me.