Ink

Somebody Catch My Breath

    
TW: panic attack

     On the outside, I seem fine. Doesn't everyone? You put this version of yourself out there for the world to see because you don't want people to know what problems you have. Even people that seem the happiest have demons tormenting them, people you wouldn't expect.

     Today was another one of those days. My anxiety was at an all time high. Work was going badly and I was under a lot of pressure. I decided to go out to get some air.

     I was standing in line waiting to order some food for lunch when the room started to feel too small. I was surrounded by too many people.
My breath started becoming uneven, and my heart started racing. Oh no. Not here. Not now. Please.

     I tried to even out my breathing, but it was no use. My eyes darted around until I saw the sign that read "Restrooms."

     With tears starting to blur my vision, I put my head down and sped to the restroom. Once I was inside, I collapsed to the floor and began to sob.

     My breathing was erratic. I felt like no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't catch my breath.

     My first instinct was to call Jennifer, but I knew she was teaching her class and I didn't want to bother her. Don't want to be a burden to anyone.

     My phone buzzed from a few inches away from me. It must have fallen out of my sweater when I hit the floor.

Josh: how's your day going? I haven't heard from you all day.

     It had been about two weeks since Josh and I first met and we texted every day. Despite this, I didn't want to tell him. I didn't want to seem weak, pathetic. A person that can't even handle their own emotions. I just sat there for a while, staring at his message with tears streaming down my face. Then I decided to answer, otherwise he would worry. But before I could reply with, "I'm fine," my phone started buzzing again.

Incoming call from Josh-accept/decline

     I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, trying to steady my voice.

     "Hello?" I said with an attempt to sound normal. He wasn't fooled.

     "Sam what's wrong? Are you okay?" Josh asked anxiously.

     "I'm fine-" I started to say before I dissolved into tears again, the pressure building up in my chest again.

     I'm lying. I'm so very far from fine.

     "Sam, listen to me. Breathe. Don't speak, just listen. You'll be okay. Everything will be okay. I'm here for you, okay? When you're good and ready, tell me where you are so I can pick you up."

     "I don't want you to see me like this," I whisper.

     "Oh Sam," he says, his voice breaking slightly, "please, don't be afraid. Don't be embarrassed. I care about you so so much..."

After a few moments of steadying my breathing, I managed to tell him where I was at. He assured me he would be here in ten minutes.

I pulled myself off the floor and looked in the mirror. My eyes were red and puffy. I splashed some water on my face and tried to make myself look as normal as possible. The redness went away, but there was nothing I could do about the puffiness.

With a final glance at myself, I walked out of the restroom and sat at a table outside of the restaurant.

After a few minutes of scrolling through my phone, I recognized Josh's car as it pulled up.

He got out and pulled me into a tight hug. I let myself melt into his arms. It felt...safe.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, concern laced in his brown eyes.

"I feel a little better," I said quietly, dropping my gaze to the ground.

"Listen to me," he said, putting his hand on my chin and lifting my gaze to meet his, "I know how you feel and I want you to know that I'm here for you. Anxiety is scary and I would hate for you to feel like you have no one. If it weren't for Tyler, I don't know where I would be. So please, don't be afraid to open up to me."

My eyes welled up with tears again.

"Thank you," I breathed.

He closed his eyes and his soft lips met mine. I kissed him back with everything I had. Never have I experienced a kiss like this. It was almost electric.

We parted after a few moments, breathless. His cheeks were tinged pink and my own face felt very warm.

     "That was...wow," I said breathlessly.

Josh pulled me closer to him, his arms around my waist and mine over his shoulders. "I know."

     He pressed his lips to my forehead and we just stood there for a while, not really caring about the people passing by. I just wanted to remember the moment.

As someone who suffers from anxiety, this came from my own personal experiences. I explained to someone once that I have dealt with depression for most of my life and am still dealing with anxiety. I'll never forget what he told me.
"Really? But you seem so happy! I would never have thought you were like that."
That's the point isn't it?
But, my beautiful readers, if you are suffering from any sort of mental issues, please seek help. Reach out to someone, even me. Sometimes it's easier to open up to a total stranger than it is to people you know.
Stay alive |-/