Alive >> Jake Fitzgerald << Scream

Fourteen.

"Can you drive me home please?"

I couldn't bring myself to cry anymore, all of my tears had been cried out, but that didn't mean I felt any better, if anything I felt worse, knowing I wasn't able to do a lot of things, cry, feel emotions, save Riley.

I couldn't bring myself to pull my eyes away from the navy blue walls of Jake's bedroom, all I'd been able to do, for hours, since I found out about Riley's death, was stare at that goddamned wall, i couldn't cry anymore, I couldn't look anywhere apart from the wall. All I felt was numbness.

I wasn't sad. Although I had been before.

I wasn't angry.

I was numb.

After hours of both Jake and I crying, sobbing and clutching onto each other as if it meant something, I stopped feeling emotions.

I hadn't slept all night, whilst Jake fell in and out of sleep, waking up with tears in his eyes, falling back to sleep, waking up after a bad dream, falling back to sleep, waking up to ask if I was still there with him, falling back to sleep. It was a never ending cycle.

"Lydia..." He sat down beside me, the morning light illuminated his sleep deprived face, "How are you holding up?"

"My best friend just died." I stated bluntly, "So don't ask me 'how I'm holding up'"

"I'm sorry-"

"Don't be sorry. You didn't kill her." I breathed, leaning over to rest my head on his shoulder, "I did."

"Lydia, you didn't kill Riley." He spoke softly, "That was not you, okay? I hate to see you like this, but you have to know that you did not kill her, even though it might feel that way, you didn't."

"I promised her I'd protect her. I promised her I'd keep her alive. I did the exact opposite of that. I broke our promise. That's my fault."

"This isn't your fault! Nobody knew that was gonna happen..." he lightly kissed the top of my head, I barely even felt it.

"Can you drive me home please?" I repeated, my voice barely able to go above a whisper.

"Don't shut me out..."

"I'm not. I-I just need to be home with my brother, I need to see him. Please Jake, you have to let me see him..." Tears began to brim my eyes once again, they were uncontrollable, all I knew was that had to be home with Kieran, whenever I was sad he always knew what to do.

"It's okay..." he pulled me into his arms, "I'll get you back home, okay?"

"Okay... Can I meet you s-somewhere later?" I pulled out of his arms, "I just... I need to be with my family right now, but you know how I'm feeling and I-"

"You don't even need to ask." He squeezed my hand

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"Kieran!"

"Kieran! P-Please! I need you!" I sobbed

I'd barely made it through the doorway and I collapsed to the ground, the side of my body pressed against the green painted wall as I sobbed, not being able to do anything else.

All of my feelings were coming back, the sadness, the anger, the self-hatred, and I couldn't stop them.

It was like a switch had been flicked from off to on, one second I was crying my heart out, the next the numbness had returned and I didn't feel a thing.