Death Wish

Chapter 40: My Eyes Are Going to Die

The week, thankfully, passes quickly and it's my last week. I'm exempting all my classes and all we're doing next week is taking finals. Which I don't have to do. In your face, stupid high schoolers. I plant myself on the couch and watch tv all day. My eyes are going to die. Good. Then I can stop seeing Lorenzo and Brittany be all mushy-gushy. It's disgusting. Is that what we did? Wait, I can't think of that. Or him. Bayder and Zaquen haven't talked to me since the slip of the tongue and I found out that Zaquen had offered a job to Bayder and they were smoothing out the bumps while I was recovering. Apparently, Bayder wasn't hurt as much. Which is good. He needs a better job than a waiter and Zaquen can offer that to him. I feel terrible and when I found out what happened, they had left back to Zaquen's company. Without goodbye. I guess I deserved that. And everything that's been happening.

I don't sleep. I barely eat enough to keep me alive and I'm pretty sure that I've lost a lot of blood due to the cuts that appear in threes all over my body daily. It hurts and I'm always dizzy, but I'm managing. Barely. The pain makes it okay. Something else to focus on. I slump on the couch and destroy my eyes more.

...

It's currently Wednesday and I haven't moved from my spot except to use the restroom and stay clean. I've stopped eating. What point is there? At this rate, I'll be dead somewhere during summer. Thank goodness. I don't have the strength to stick another knife through my chest. But I can cut myself. Big difference. I can die of starvation. It'd be okay. A painful death in exchange for the painful deaths I caused. Maybe this is my way of repaying my family. Dying in pain, all their pain summed together and put into my death. I'll bleed out and eventually not have anymore blood to lose.

A knock sounds on the door and I jerk in surprise. No one should be here. It's the middle off the day on a school day. I try to push myself off the couch with one hand, but fall from the loss of blood that weakens me and from the fact that I've barely used my muscles for a long time. After a couple seconds, I recover and pull myself into my wheelchair with a blanket draped over me to cover the scars. I slowly pull the door open and see a worried looking Lorenzo on my porch. Slamming the door with all my strength, I lock it with a huff.

He shouldn't be here. He broke my heart and he's going out with Brittany. He should be with her. Not here. Never here.

"Linnea? I know you hate me. But can we talk?"

I feel like an old person, moving so slow, and my broken arm doesn't help. I don't feel like watching anymore tv. I decide to try to sleep and roll to my room.

...

Zaquen, Quinden, Bayder, Myklyn, my family, and Lorenzo are all standing in a circle around me. I run to Kol and realize I can use my legs. Wrapping my arms around him, my legs give out. He just stands there and I freeze when I hear what he's saying.

"You killed me Linnea. You took away everything I had. Why? You're just jealous. You'll never be as good as me. And you've always been threatened by that. You're not good enough. Why do you think everyone left you? You're a sick, pathetic loser who will never be loved. I wish you had died in the accident. Then the world would've been better off."

I look up at Kol, tears streaming down my face.

"You don't mean that," I whispered.

"Of course I do."

I shake my head and take a step back. Looking around, I see my friends turning around and walking away.

"Wait, Bayder! Don't leave! I'm sorry for what I said!"

I run after them desperately and try to grab his arm. My fingers almost touch him when my legs collapse. I look down and see the cast.

"This is a reminder of what you are. A murderer. You hurt people. Just like you did to your family. This cast represents all that hurt," a voice whispers.