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Heartbeats (chapter 10)

"How is it going?" A young, slender man steps close to Mamrie and removes his sunglasses. He rubs his eyes, reddened by the lack of sleep, and gently pokes at Beanz's nose.
"Smooth like butter" she replies, and smiles at the sight of his tired face "God, you look like shit."
"Thank you" he replies, his voice deep and grainy, "nice cast, by the way. Did you make it yourself?"
"It's an old one I keep for special occasions" she replies, and unwraps the first layer of gauze to reveal the duct tape that's holding it together. "Help me out of it, will you honey?"
He pulls out a set of keys and runs it over the tape, along the line where the cast was once cut open. He then holds it firmly to let Mamrie slide her arm out. She shakes it a few times, to let the blood flow again.
"Mamrie Hart" he states, "you are a very dedicated friend."
"They would do the same for me" she assure him, then hurriedly puts a hand on his chest "look!"
Matt and Tyler are standing now, still talking.
"He's rubbing his neck" Greg comments, noticing Matt's movements "he's shy. He's inviting him somewhere."
"Say 'yes' Tyler, come on" Mamrie hisses between her teeth.
Tyler looks around, looking for Mamrie, but she's not in the booth anymore. He then nods, and touches Matt's arm for a second, and Mamrie does a little fist pump "That's my boy!"
Greg's phone rings, and he shows Mamrie the text message he just received "Hey buddy, I'm really tired - I'm going to bail tonight. See you tomorrow, you guys enjoy the strip show without me."
Mamrie and Greg high-five without a word.
- - -
Hannah wakes up to the smell of coffee. Eyes still shut, she makes out the sound of a door closing softly, and the clinking of two cups as a tray is put on the bedside table. She takes a deep breath, and buries her head in her pillow. How long did she sleep?
The bedsheets smell so nice.
They smell of summer and salt and Grace's conditioner.
Grace's conditioner.
Grace.
Fuck.
Hannah's eyes flip open and she jumps up to sit, and finds Grace staring at her, puzzled.
"Morning?" Grace greets her, confused.
Hannah's mouth remains open, her breath hitches as she starts to remember. Her eyes move quickly, unsure on what they should settle on. She shakes her head a little, mumbling: "Oh my God, Grace. I'm so sorry. I don't know what happened, I just laid down and then I close my eyes for a second and-"
"Hey, hey, hey" Grace catches Hannah's hands to stop them from drawing apologies in the air, "it's ok. It happens." She ducks her head a little, and smiles. "It's fine."
"No, no it's not fine." Hannah's hands free themselves and it's their turn to wrap around Grace's "I wasn't... you know... you... you were so..."
"Hannah" now that her hands are trapped in the girl's grip, Grace tries to calm her down by sustained eye contact and reassuring nods, and it seems to be working. "Hannah."
Hannah's eyes flicker between Grace's irides, but eventually slow down and stop, till they are both nodding in silence.
"Ok" Hannah finally accepts "I'm sorry."
Grace smiles and rolls her eyes. Hannah doesn't know she spent the morning moving the same strand of hair form her forehead over and over, only to watch it fall back on her frowning eyebrows. She doesn't know Grace placed a total of forty-seven tiny kisses on her cheek, nor that she ran her index over the edge of her nose every time her breath became a little heavier, because she found that it'd calm her.
"How's your head?" Grace asks, knowing the answer.
"Like someone played a very long drum solo on it."
Grace frees a hand to grab a couple of pills from the bedside table, and gives them to Hannah, who instinctively looks for a glass of water. She finds one ready for her.
"What time is it?" she asks, noticing that Grace has showered, is fully dressed, and got breakfast.
"It's 2pm."
"Are you kidding me?" Hannah rushes to grab her phone to check that Grace is not lying. She's not.
"God I'm so-"
"A-a-ah" Grace cuts her off, "stop that. Come on, get ready, let's go out in... half hour? Can you make it?"
"Sure!" She says, confidently. She quickly swallows the pills and grabs a croissant from the tray Grace brought earlier, taking a good bite.
"Alright, don't choke" Grace laughs, sipping her coffee "take your time."
- - -
They leave the hotel an hour later.
"I went through your notes" Grace says as they walk down the road "you know, the 'program'" she says with emphatic air quotes.
"Ah well, that's... not really happening, is it?"
"Nope" Grace chuckles "but I finally know where we are" she shows the printout of a map she picked from the pile of documents, with three red circles marked on it.
Hannah just listens, keeping two feet between them, unsure what the rules are right now.
Are they a thing now? Did last night really happen? Did she dream? Was Grace just really drunk? Did Hannah punch a guy? It's all a big blur.
"So I decided it's safe to walk down to the Tour Eiffel, it'll only take 20 minutes. We can lay down on the grass to let this hangover wear out."
Hannah nods, and asks: "Do you want to go up?"
"I would LOVE to lock myself in a space needle full of people at 1000ft from the ground."
"Silly question" Hannah admits.
Grace nods, pulling a face that means 'very silly' but also 'we're ok, we're in Paris, we're hangover, let's go with it'.
They sit in a sunny, quiet spot. The tower is barely visible behind some trees, but it's a fair trade-off for a place of their own. Grace pulls out a blanket to sit on, or lay down, - it's pretty big - two bottles of water, and a few packets of crisps.
"Oh, you planned this out" Hannah comments.
"I had the whole morning, you know" Grace comments, and Hannah drops her head, blushing till the tip of her ears.
Grace sits, and pushes her shoes off of her feet. She offers a hand, inviting Hannah to join her. When she reaches for the girl's wrist, she pulls down abruptly, making Hannah fall on her knee and nearly tip over.
"Hey, ow, easy! My head is still spinning!" Hannah groans, to Grace's amusement.
They lay side by side, watching the blinding white clouds change shape above them. It doesn't take long for Hannah's brain to start formulating question after question. The night left her in a dreamlike state, and she is not sure what's actually happened and what hasn't.
Grace knows, she can tell by the silence, by the sound of nails scratching the skin on the side of Hannah's thumb, nervous. So she just brings a hand to hold Hannah's, gently, and stop her from torturing it. She turns her head to the side, to face the blue-eyed girl who's swimming in an ocean of unanswered questions. She takes a moment to enjoy the colour, the shape, subtle make-up - the pure wonder painted in the ever-hopeful look that Hannah gives her.
Because that's the thing with her - she always hopes. Even when Grace was a month away from getting married, there was a hidden part of Hannah that was still hoping. Grace found that tiny part, dug it out, fed it with drunken kisses, and let it take over.
And now Hannah is nearly entirely made of hope.
Grace lets their fingers intertwine, scoots a bit closer, and rests her lips on Hannah's.
One. Two. Three.
Hannah opens her eyes, and Grace is there, and inch from her.
"What..." Hannah starts "Are we-"
Another peck.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five.
When Grace moves away - still close, so close - Hannah blinks a few times, and frowns.
"What about-"
And again.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight.
Hannah smiles as they part, and watches Grace resting her head on a fist.
"Shut up?" Hannah asks.
Grace nods, curling her lips - which makes Hannah laugh because yeah, she's slow. As a rule of thumb she needs a few kisses to get the message.
"I know it's too early for you" Hannah gulps as Grace jerks forward to capture her lips again, but Hannah is quick to duck her head and roll over, ending up on top of the taller woman "but I do, ok? So much."
Grace's lips part, but not a sound comes out.
"It's just... it's not too early for me."
"I know" Grace's voice is barely a whisper.
"I love you."
Grace clasps her lips together.
"Han..."
"I love you" Hannah insists "I don't care if you don't, or you can't, I have to... I'm sorry, I have to say it, on the off chance this is the last time I can."
She rests her head on Grace's chest, and listens to the heartbeat thumping loudly inside her ribcage. And to a voice, quiet but clear.
"Ok."
Hannah breathes in, and repeats: "I love you."
Maybe it's just her imagination, but the drumming noise gets a bit louder, a bit faster.
"I love you. I love you. I love you" she continues, pressing her lips on Grace's t-shirt, talking directly to the sound. Until her breath creates a hot patch on the fabric, and her heart is not overflowing anymore. "I love you" she says one last time, before burying her face in her palms.
Grace lets out a shaky breath, and then just laughs a "Oh God."
She laughs, just because she doesn't know what else to do. There are so many things she needs to say, and all she wants to do is kiss Hannah some more. But she can't - first, she needs to explain what that would mean.
"I'm sorry, I got a bit carried away." Hannah chuckles nervously, still covering her eyes.
"Yeah no shit!" Grace huffs, and turns to make Hannah lay on her side, moving her hands away from her face to look at her, to be looked by her.
"I'm here" Grace says, and Hannah tilts her head onto the side, questioning. "I'm here. I'm yours" Grace repeats "I'm falling for you so hard I've already hit the ground and now I'm just digging."
Hannah's smile is so dumb and dreamy, Grace can only burst into laugher and comment: "boy, that hangover must be really bad!"
"I don't think you understand" Hannah replies with the faintest voice.
"No, I do" Grace assures "I think I do."
Hannah just lays on her side, looking carefully at all the details that make Grace Grace. The cut of her eyes, the cheekbones, the childish line of her lips, the shape of her chin. She tucks a stray hair behind her ear, which is something she's always wanted to do, but felt it was too intimate - it was always someone else's privilege.
She has to hold herself from saying it again, because even she knows when it's too much - but it's there, tingling on the tip of her tongue, it's almost the only combination of syllables she's able to pronounce right now. So she says nothing, and savours the unadulterated happiness of this moment.
Until a question bubbles up, and she lets it out - because if there's a time to ask, this is it.
"What happened?" is all she says, and as vague as it sounds, Grace knows what it means.
"What happened?" Grace echoes "Oh wow. Let's see, where do I start?"
"Is it a long story?"
"I honestly have no idea."
Hannah giggles, "let's break it down then. When did you start thinking you might be madly in love with me?" she teases, and Grace is glad they can talk about it like this, like old friends and new lovers. She looks up, trying to make sense of time and events.
"I think it started when Matt proposed" she finally says. Hannah nods, but clearly doesn't grasp what Grace is trying to say.
"I love Matt, he's great. He's always been my entire support system until I met you and Mamrie." Hannah's jaw tightens, and for the first time Grace realises how jealous she is of him. "He's always been there for me, and I would have felt completely lost without him so many times. When I met you, we were together for four years, and I was sure - like, so sure - that was it. It didn't matter that the butterflies left my stomach a long time before, or that we stopped having sex a year and a half ago... he was the one."
"You what?" Hannah's eyes widen, surprised.
"It was never a big deal for me" Grace shrugs, "we were never a great match in bed. But I thought I couldn't do it without him. So when he proposed, part of me was relieved. I knew I wouldn't be alone again."
Hannah nods again, this time in a more convincing manner.
"But as soon as he did, I felt like time froze. It felt like my life would stop there, and all the little things that were not working would never change. I'd never fall in love again. I'd never kiss another person. I'd never have great sex again."
Grace's voice begins to shake, and Hannah holds her hand to lt her know it's ok to keep talking, and it's ok to stop.
"I felt it was ok, as long as I had him close. But the more I spent time with you and Mamrie, the more I felt that maybe I didn't need that - maybe I didn't need a saviour. I'd be with him, wanting to be with you. I'd be with you, and wouldn't need anything else. But by that time, it was too late."
"You were already engaged?"
"By the time I had serious doubts about Matt, I was engaged and halfway through the wedding plan. I was so scared of ruining everything for everybody, for virtually no reason, so I thought I could just go with it. After all, there's no man I'd rather marry."
Grace wonders how many types of nods Hannah can perform, because she's doing it again, yet it's different. This one is thoughtful and uncertain.
"I think I've been crushing on you since forever" Grace admits, blushing a little, "I just didn't know what it was. Yet, since it became clear to me that Matt was not the one I was in love with, I started noticing how all the things that were missing with him, I was having-"
"with me!" Hannah cheekily finishes her sentence.
"God, you're such a kid." Grace huffs good-naturedly "yes. And when I found myself alone with you in that hotel room... I thought 'if there's ever a chance to find out, this is it'. I had to know."
"And now you know?" Hannah asks, quietly.
"Now I know."
Hannah buries her face in the fabric of Grace's sleeve. That's all she needed to know.
"I needed to know that" Hannah admits "I needed to know that we're not a lost bet or a token gay experience or a way to distract you from how disappointing Paris turned out or-"
"Oh my God, how many horrible scenarios have you invented?"
"All of them, Grace!" Hannah whines "do you know how it feels to be in my head? If you don't explain to me what's going on, I'm going to fill the blanks. And c'mon - how realistic is 'sure, she's going to break her engagement to be with me instead'?"
A shadow passes over Grace's features, and there's a moment of heavy silence during which Hannah mentally curses herself in all the languages she knows.
"I'm sorry, I should't have-"
"It's ok. If this trip taught me anything, it's that I can't ignore things forever."
Hannah smiles sympathetically, "we can ignore things together for the next couple of days though."
Grace snorts, and says: "sounds like a plan."