Dear Richie

June 18 Age: 15

Dear Richie,

I kissed you.

Oh my goodness, I kissed you.

On the cheek, of course.

We went to one of the local supermarkets with some of our friends. I don't quite remember what exactly we were doing, except buying stuff, like leis and summer items.

Well, we were exiting and you were walking by yourself. I finally decided it was time to tell you.

So I ran up to you and told you that I should thank you.

I remember your face scrunching up in confusion. "For what?"

I quickly wrapped my arms around your neck (you had bent over so that I could reach) and I kissed you numerous times on the cheek. For some odd reason, you wrapped your arms underneath me (like...under my bum) as if you were going to lift me, but you didn't...

You never kissed back, but I wished you had. I kept kissing you over and over and over. I couldn't hold it back anymore.

Then, I woke up. :( It felt so real, so satisfyingly real.

I hate myself for it.

It's just so strange. In none of my dreams, I have never had the guts to kiss someone EVEN on the cheek. I chicken out and the guy is left awkward, dumbfounded.

But not with you. I have head several dreams with you in them, where I'm running up to and you push me away because, in reality, you hate me. You think I'm the most annoying person on the planet.

But this was WAY different, as you can see. I actually held you in my arms and... I guess you held me back, like, you wanted to hold me.

The thing is that you weren't really paying attention to me kissing you in the dream. You kept talking with your arms around me and me just kissing you everywhere... Haha, it's kind of a funny picture when you think about it.

It's as if you weren't taking notice to me being there. Of course you were a bit because HELLO I had my arms around you and you do to me and I'm fricking KISSING YOU, for goodness sakes.

It just doesn't make any sense. Is that what I think of you? Someone who only pays little attention to me? Someone who, despite what's going on in front of you, only sees what's in the distance? Because you kept talking to the other people around us, I can't remember who, and I can't remember what you were telling them. I do have a bad feeling that you were trying to rationalize my actions.

"Oh, we're just really close friends." "There's nothing going on between us." "She's probably just emotional." Or something like that.

The thing is, I wasn't paying attention to the actual words you were saying. I had felt so accomplished that I had ACTUALLY kissed you... And that I was in the moment kissing you.

Anyway, that's what I do. I analyze things, including dreams, trying to decipher what they really mean. I analyze everything, sometimes I OVERANALYZE to the point that make any sense, but it makes logical sense how I got there.

There's a part of me that wishes that the dream was real, so that everything was finally out. Ya know? I hate locking my feelings inside, but it's what I was raised to do. You might think of me as an Elsa, but it's true. My dad taught me that people shouldn't know that they got to me, that happiness is the only emotion I should reveal. My mom, on the other hand, has always been an emotional wreck. So, unfortunately, I am a mix of the two: passive-aggressive. I hold all of my feelings inside, letting everything slide, then after a long period of time, I explode. Like a ticking time bomb.

Then there's a part of me that wishes it wasn't real. Hello, I kissed you in the middle of a parking lot with tons of people watching us. That's not the right thing to do. Plus, as I have stated before, you weren't even paying attention to me.

It's like you're there for me, your arms are around me, but your mind is somewhere else.

Maybe I should leave you alone now, since you do have a girlfriend anyhow that is a thousand times prettier than me.

Why should I even bother when in my dreams you are portrayed so differently?

Love,
Leia Meadows ❤️