Screaming. That was the only thing I could process. My whole body felt numb as I took in the scene in front of me. My sister lying lifeless on the turf just a few yards away, my mom rushing to her side even when the paramedics tried to pull her away.
I couldn’t get the sound of my mom’s hysterical screaming out of my head. I tried reaching for her to comfort her but she pushed me away roughly.
“It’s your fault! You were the one who was supposed to be out there, not her!” she screamed.
I felt my body jerk slightly as I was jolted awake. I don’t even remember falling asleep. My head was in someone’s lap and I kept my eyes closed, trying to remember where I was. Someone was stroking my hair and I could hear quiet humming. Everything suddenly came crashing down on me in that moment. Me breaking down completely in front of Jessica, telling her everything that happened and why I was here. Oddly enough, I didn’t regret any of it. Jess listened to everything I told her without judgement.
I told her the whole story. My parents own this enormous sport horse operation and always have ever since I can remember. Ever since we were little my sister and I were always competing on our parent’s horses. I loved it but honestly, when I got older I started to feel like we were being used to draw more business. See, my parents had acquired this stallion who they were completely positive would bring them enormous amounts of money in stud fees, but only if he proved to be a successful competitor.
Basically, that’s where I came in. Grace had long abandoned eventing as her sport of choice and had chosen somewhat mellow disciplines for herself. Our parents weren’t happy but in their eyes Grace could do no wrong. I kept competing for my parents but to be honest, I have no idea why. They still treated me like shit after finding out I liked girls. All I wanted was their approval and even as I reached into my twenties I never got it.
My mom wanted me to ride their new stallion in some prestigious event and normally I would have just bit my tongue and done what she said. But at this point I was so fed up with how I was treated I refused. I was called every name in the book of course but Grace intervened as she always did. She was always trying to defend me but it was usually a wasted effort. She volunteered to ride the stallion just to keep the peace.
Needless to say, I wish more than anything I could take it all back. I wish I would have just done what my mom said. Grace was talented with the horses but nothing could have prevented what happened that day. Grace was galloping the stallion toward the finish on the cross country course. They had one more jump to sail over and it was the largest one. I remember watching as he took that final leap, instantly noticing something was wrong. There was no power in that jump. He just broke down and it was too late for Grace to do anything about it. The horse tumbled over the jump at such a force that it snapped his neck. His full weight landed on Grace’s tiny body, killing her instantly.
It’s my fault she’s gone, and as much as Jess tried to convince me otherwise, I didn’t believe her. People say that everything happens for a reason but I see no good reason for my sister to be taken away from me. I knew that my parents wished it would have been me instead of her. They made that perfectly clear. I wasn’t even allowed to attend Grace’s funeral. I was threatened by both my parents and even some of my other family members. That’s when I decided to leave. I packed what I could in two suitcases and drove to the airport. I bought a ticket for the next plane out, not caring if I ended up in Africa or some shit. That first plane just happened to be to London…
“Elena? Are you awake?” Jessie’s voice broke me out of my thoughts.
I didn’t even notice I had started crying again until I opened my eyes and saw the front of Jess’s shirt was wet from me pressing my face against her stomach. I sat up quickly and wiped the tears with my sleeve.
