It’s now been two days since the incident at Jess’s parents’ house. Two very long and difficult days. After I had managed to get myself together that day in the bathroom, Jess insisted that she take me home. I think she made up some excuse to everyone that I had gotten sick or something. I don’t really know. I was more or less in a daze after that.
Ever since then I felt so on edge all the time. It was like any little thing would set me off and I was living in constant fear of myself. The random panic attacks wouldn’t stop and I’ve had a handful of what seemed like flashbacks on top of it. I just felt like an emotional wreck and I knew it was taking a toll on Jess too. She was right beside me all the time. Always there to comfort me whether it was during the day or in the late hours of the night. She was so amazing to me I honestly felt like I didn’t deserve her. What could I have possibly done to be so lucky?
So that’s why we were currently on our way to the one place I never thought I would actually go. It finally got through my thick skull that I needed help. That I couldn’t cope with this on my own. Jess called the day after the dinner with her family and made me an appointment with a psychiatrist. I just hoped that all of this would end the terrible flashbacks and nightmares. I didn’t want simple things to set me off like they have been. I haven’t voiced this to Jess, but honestly if I can’t get better I just don’t see the point of going on anymore. What kind of life was this? Not to mention the hell I was putting Jess through. She didn’t deserve this.
I was pulled out of my thoughts when I suddenly felt Jess’s hand on my arm, stroking up and down lightly. I hadn’t even noticed the car was stopped and that we were already here.
“How are you feeling?” she asked.
“I’m not sure anymore,” I sighed. “I just want to get better.”
“You will get better,” she said as she touched her lips lightly to mine. “I’m going to support you every step of the way and we’ll get you through this together.”
I followed behind Jess like a child as we entered the small office building. It looked like your typical office space with the fluorescent tube lighting and the generic carpet and chairs in the waiting room. There were a couple people waiting. Some were adults and there were two children all wearing the same solemn look with eyes drawn to the floor. It was depressing as hell to be honest.
I signed in at the front desk and sat down with Jess at two of the empty chairs in the room. Jess held my hand as we sat in silence. The only sound in the room was the occasional shuffle of movement from someone and the constant ticking of a clock somewhere. I spent the entire waiting time just staring at the floor just as most everyone else seemed to be doing as others’ names were called before mine.
I also couldn’t help but wonder about all the other people seated around me. What were they here for? Did they have a similar situation as me or were they worse off than even I? Did they have families or were they on their own?
My thoughts were suddenly interrupted when I heard my name being called. Just before I stood up, Jess kissed me on the cheek and quietly reminded me that she loved me as she had been doing all morning. I took one last glance back at her right before I was taken down a long corridor.
I was eventually ushered into an open room with two comfortable looking chairs. There was a woman sitting at one of them looking through some papers. I would guess they were about me. She looked up at me after a few seconds and smiled kindly, ushering me to sit down. She was an older woman, maybe early fifties I’d say. I noticed the name plate on the desk behind her said Dr. Ward.
“All right, Elena, I understand you’re having some difficulties?” Dr. Ward started. Here we go I guess.
“Erm, yeah. I’ve been having these random panic attacks lately. And I haven’t been able to sleep properly in weeks,” I explained.
