I stood frozen in place for what felt like an eternity. The last person I ever expected to talk to me ever again was on the phone with me and I just couldn’t wrap my head around it.
“I’m so happy I finally got in contact with you. Honey, I’m so sorry for what happened I—“
“Wait, what?” I interrupted her. She treats me like shit for years and runs me off but she’s sorry? What the fuck? “You’re sorry? After everything you’ve done I can’t believe you would have the nerve to ever contact me. It’s been eight months since I left but oh, you’re sorry? I wasn’t allowed to attend my own sister’s funeral but wait, you’re sorry?”
“Lena, please…”
“No. Don’t you dare call me that. You made it clear a long time ago that I was unwanted. I’m finally happy and I don’t need you fucking that up so just leave me alone. I want nothing to do with you.”
With that I angrily ended the call and leaned against the counter top with my head in my hands. Was I not allowed to have any peace anymore?
“Elena? Are you all right?” Jess’s quiet voice broke me out of my thoughts and I suddenly remembered where I actually was. I turned around to see her looking at me worriedly and before I could answer her my phone started to go off again. Obviously it was my mom trying to call back. Did she not understand that I didn’t want to talk to her? Did she not understand that sorry wasn’t going to fix everything she’d done to me?
I hit ignore but was suddenly filled with so much rage. It was like a fire was lit inside me and I felt so furious.
“I’m sorry I just-I have to go,” I pushed past Jess knowing that if I didn’t get away somewhere I would end up doing something drastic. I just needed to be alone.
I walked quickly to the front door and walked outside, hurrying down to the sidewalk. It was chilly outside tonight and I felt a tinge of regret for leaving without a jacket but I needed to get out of here. I don’t know where I was going but the fresh air would undoubtedly help to clear my head. I could faintly hear Jess calling my name from behind me but I ignored her as I took off to who knows where.
I ended up somewhere in the middle of the city where there were shops and many people our roaming the streets tonight. I spotted a bar just down the street and although the responsible side of me knew to stay away, the irrational, reactive side wanted nothing more than to go in and drink this day away.
Let’s be clear. I’m not a drinker and never had the desire to be. Hell, I’ve only been drunk maybe a handful of times in my life and it was never overly so. I just couldn’t help myself tonight. It was like my sanity was being held onto by a single thread and my mother’s sudden phone call had been the thing to snap the thread into two.
The smell of smoke filled the air as I walked past the handful of people standing outside the bar with their cigarettes in hand. When I entered the building I noticed there weren’t very many people inside which I was glad for. I took the first seat I came to at the bar where I was served immediately by the bartender.
Three shots were set in front of me and I took them all one by one. The alcohol burned my throat and the inevitable spinning in my head started as it took effect. I sat there with my head in my hands as I tried to make sense of what was happening. My life felt like it was falling apart all over again and I didn’t know which way to turn.
I ended up buying two more shots seeing as my good judgement was long gone and I didn’t seem to feel numb enough. After I downed those I noticed my phone was going off like crazy. My shaking hands struggled to pull it out of my pocket but I managed. My vision was slightly blurred but I could just make out Jess’s name across the screen. I also noticed that I’d been gone over an hour now. Well shit. I didn’t even get a chance to say hello before she was suddenly yelling over the line.
